OK I ask Wiki :
A Double Bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in communication in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, and one message negates the other. This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither resolve it nor opt out of the situation.
I always have in mind the story of a wife, telling her husband he’s a ass, because he never offers her flowers. This is a perfect double bind. Because :
- If he offers her flower the day after, what’s the point, you silly?
- If he doesn’t, he stays a donkey.
Well, see?, it’s a good concept to explore. I extended it in the simplest way : a double bind is :
Whatever you choose between A or B, you’re fucked
Here are four examples I stole on the web :
- A man who is bored and stagnant in his job may be too afraid to make a change. If he stays, he suffers; if he leaves, he believes he’ll suffer. So he feels stuck.
- A woman wants to end her guilty affair but fears she’ll remain unfulfilled in her marriage if she does.
- A person heartily wishes to be slimmer but at the same time craves fattening ‘comfort’ foods.
- A man wants to have sex but fears he will be ‘unable to perform’ and so avoids all sexual contact.
I’m building a Toolbox, so what’s the point? The point is : what is the solution?
Tool : First you have to detect you struggle because of a double bind. Then, you have to think and reconfigure something (your life? your head?). Finally, find a way to be at peace. It can be choosing one and killing the other. It can be getting the “WTF” option and playing with both options (life is short). It can be chopping BOTH options and go away. It can be a dolphin dance between one and two, because both are great. Or you wanna fight both. Whatever : all this is good because you feel alive, you have rushes, you have to move and to think. You go!