“Be Spontaneous, please” (Can you see my mask?)

“I’m taking a picture of you. Please smile. Nooo not like that! A big, natural, spontaneous smile”.

Everyone understands this example, right? When someone asks you to act… spontaneously, you’re stuck in an awkward grey nauseous mood. It’s called “the be spontaneous paradox”. It can happen anywhere, in a couple, a family, at work : one person requests something that can only be given spontaneously – love, interest, appreciation, desire, tenderness… You’re now stuck in a Double Bind.

Here’s a good dialog from the 2006 movie “The Break-Up” :

  • I busted my ass all day cleaning this house and then cooking that meal! And I worked today. It would be nice if you said “thank you” and helped me with the dishes.
  • Fine. I’ll help you do the damn dishes.
  • That’s not what I want.
  • You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes!
  • I want you to want to do the dishes.
  • Why would I want to do dishes?
  • Why? See, that’s my whole point.
  • Let me see if I’m following this, okay? Are you telling me that you’re upset
    because I don’t have a strong desire to clean dishes?
  • No. I’m upset because you don’t have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes.
  • I just did.
  • After I asked you!

MMMmhh?

Imagine a club, a private club with big mellow armchairs. The boss enters the room and solemnly criticize the atmosphere, and then asks everyone to be a little more gay and happy, “a few more laughs would be perfect!” – Imagine the disaster!… (I saw this one day from a web forum administrator. I tried to explain him, but without any effect).

Tool 1 : Learn how to detect when someone asks you to “act spontaneously”. And beware of this when it’s meant but unsaid, perversely implicit : it’s worse ! Your answer can be multiple.

  • If you try, you just have to put a mask. But it’s not you, it’s theater. Maybe you will have to wear it!
  • You can just say no, of course.
  • Go meta-communication : talk about this, explain the paradox and that you will not stay stuck into this.

Tool 2 : Do you do it? Putting other people into these “Please change and act spontaneously like this and like that“? If you did, can you detect the desperate unease and awkwardness you put in the other’s brain? Can you see the mask?

I will always remember this example I got from Watzlawick, a father punishing his kid telling him “Go to your room, and come back when you smile”. Horror!

 

#seed #wing

Star Wars Rogue One, a Father & Kid story…

No spoiler here, don’t worry !

I think there’s a perfect age to watch some movies. I met people who showed Jurassic Park or Harry Potter to terrified 5 years old kids. No good !! Mais enfin !

My father took me by the hand at the age of ten, to see Stars Wars a New Hope, in 1977. He was 40. No internet, no trailers, it was a full pure discovery for me, and I remember this as if it was yesterday.

Now kids watch these movies on big TVs, they know things about Vader, Luke, Yoda and so on, I suppose, they saw photos, and trailers, it’s no big deal, it’s just different.

Today I went to the theater to see Rogue One – A Star Wars Story, which happens “just before” a New Hope. I loved it so much ! The casting is great, but also the music, the battles, and the mood of the seventies is present, without being sarcastic or retro. I found it real and delightful.

I saw it today, in 2017, 40 years after the other one. I’m now 50 years old. My father died two months ago. He was 80.

This loop : 10/40 – 50/80 makes my 50 very special. I like to find patterns, and today I maybe have vertigo about that. And Carrie Fisher just died too. She was… 60.

This movie happens just before A New Hope… which is exactly my mood these days.

Hope, loss, old promises. This is a little solemn, right ? My next blog article will be about this ! Back on inventing tools for you.

Have a nice day. Thanks for reading !

694672780243330449_40270600

 

Some French feel-good movies to choose from

Well, maybe you’ll need them one day ?

17 Feel-Good French Films

IMDB Feel Good French Movies

http://www.rendezvousenfrancais.com/top10feelgoodfrenchmovies/

Franglish’s favourite feel good French films!

20 Best French Films on Netflix

5 Feel Good French Films

The perfect pairing: five feel-good French films – and the desserts to eat as you watch them

The 10 Best French Movies for Beginners

14 Must-see Romantic French Films

You’re welcome

#blur #blurry #ferriswheel

 

 

Hey, How do YOU keep yourself together ?

The title was tricky to find. I wrote, in my French way, “How do you keep standing up”, but it’s not very very good, right ? “How do you keep yourself from falling apart” is better, but, hem, a bit dramatic, no ?

So I ask you, readers ! How do you keep yourself together ?

So many answers ! You can cuddle like a cat, under the warm blanket of your family.

You can drink or use another substance (food ? drugs ? sex ?) to get a little rid of reality.

You can do sports, of course, it works for many people ! Run, just run. Buy the good clothes before you run, you need’em. Run after something, or after nothing, it works too. Move heavy rocks. That’s good. Be a fan.

You can try to entertain : be a tourist, watch a movie, listen to some music, cook, read a book, appreciate some form of Art. Be creative, if you can. That’s pretty noble, dear !

Oh, I forgot : work ! I’m pretty sure that all workaholics are just big-worried people who run all day to forget they will die… or just the boredom seriousdom of their choices. Be a little solemn with your work. You’ll feel important. It’s VERY good.

You can also spend time with a good friend who, that’s so coincidental, tries also to keep herhimself from falling apart. Then, you both look like two wounded guys in the WWI standing up holding each other walking in the mud.

You can do like me, overthinking your shit, find pattern and structures, inventing rarely effective tools to… keep yourself together, and blog this shit out just to purge your congested head. Color it your way : University-ish, Sarcasm, Humor, Crafty. Guess what I chose today !…

Religion ! Your local God fixes everything.

Help others

BUT

(because, of course, what is interesting here is that does not work, and, blah, you will fall apart, eventually)

In family paradise you slowly realize you’re drowning in your own sugar, juices and secretions. You boil to get out !

Drugs leads to oblivion, but also to stupidity and mistakes. Sports to accidents. Entertain to emptiness. Creativity to the white page. Work means time burning AND money, which can provide “some” happiness, as you know (buying is good do keep yourself together for an hour, and it also works the economy of your nation).

Friends, as human beings, stay a good solution, and they can help you to find (and do together, why not) other ways of escaping keeping  yourself together. Problem is they fall in love with a Prince/Princess, and then you look like nothing in loop.

Religion is good, because it’s mainly following some damn rules. You don’t have to think much. If you feel churchy, the main problem comes from the moment your realize there’s no God (or if it exists, it doesn’t care at all). Then, you fall apart, bim.

Tool :

No tool here. Breathe. Life is shorter (than ?). Find your own way. Dance with all of them. Ask about others. Be kind. We all struggle, right ? Don’t fall. Not today. Not today.

 

Thanks for reading !

#songforaguy

“I miss something, but… I don’t know what it is…”

“I miss something, but… I don’t know what it is…”

I think you feel something in the deepest of your chest when you read this phrase. Right ? If you don’t, you can go watch your Christmas tree or go to the gym, you’re good.

The Abandonment Syndrome is in almost everyone of us. You don’t have to be an orphan, being abused, or to have alcoholic parents to suffer this pain ! for this incompleteness, It’s a matter of shades, though…

Mistrust, sabotage behaviors, need of control, excessive moods, etc, and this “hole” you have in your heart, sometimes.

“Quelque chose me manque, mais je ne sais pas quoi…”

Yes, it’s a matter of shades (degrees, levels, what should I say ?). It can be a very little feeling of loneliness if you can’t share your enthusiasm after a great (French) movie, to a dangerous nervous breakdown leading you to suicide or hospital.

I realised a bit late in my life that the biggest joy and happiness were brought to me when I found a mate with whom I could SHARE (which is the key of all this, for myself) things, ideas, glee and jubilation.

This became clearly a flaw. I filled my abandonment with sharing, sharing, sharing. So much that I could fall in love with a brain “made of the same wood” (and it became like an orgy of sparkling ideas each time I talked with this person). When this person is away, you feel like a lonely fool, with all your sharing stuff bouncing in your head, cf this Inner Gold article.

Levers :

Growing as an adult, I found out there are two ways to deal with abandonment, incompleteness.

1/ Never surrender. Find your mates. Share. Be happy. Life is short. Cherish them. It can be from a distant Facebook friend you will never meet to the biggest love of your life, the person you would marry. Yes it’s a hunt. Yes it’s a terrific source of bliss !

2/ Surrender. Know the irony of life. Recognize the pain you have in your heart. Know it. Dance with it. You’re alone, you’re alone forever. Play as if you were happy. Be happy. Be alone happy, even if you’re in family. This loneliness can be tamed.

You know how I know that ? I watched older people around me. The intelligent, the sparkling ones. They explore the world and its culture, Art, they dig, deeply, they love it ! They don’t need to share. They are all alone. They like it like that. Some of them told me the secret : the hole and the pain, it’s here. They learned how to not care, and not let things get to them.

#flower

Enregistrer

IFTT Instagram to WordPress, and the Fear of Loops

I love WordPress and its efficiency. When I post a little article like this one, after reading it over and over with the terrible insecurity of an ESL writer (“Where are the mistakes I don’t see ?”), after adding tags and categories, I admire the automatic post process : the articles goes on Linkedin, Facebook, Twitter and Google+, tadaaa !

I discovered an app on my smartphone called IFTT, If This Then That, which is a great tool  that allows users to create chains of simple tasks. For example : “If I get home, put the Wi-Fi on on my phone”.

So I recently added a task : “If I post a picture on Instagram, post it to WordPress too”. I tested it yesterday and it worked perfectly. Then I thought : “Well, if I take a picture and post it on Instagram, it goes automatically to WordPress… which will post it on Linkedin, Facebook, Twitter and Google+ ?

I checked : yep.

I imagined that in the future we could “add task” to robots in homes. Easy ones like “If it’s wet or dirty under the table take care of it”, but also “if the temperature gets under N degrees, you see I’m not home but my wife is, if it’s around 4 PM and you see she’s a bit sad, ask her if she wants a hot chocolate”, or “When wifey gets home and I’m not, delicately ask her to put off her shoes”. If this, then that.

The last night I had a nightmare about this : If I forgot I added another task for my pictures, like “If I post a picture on Twitter, add it on Instagram”, I would get a loop, an infinite one !

Then what would happen to the world ?

#abstract #flag #symetry #sky #Colorful

 

Mary Poppins & Teorema & My Uncle : Stories of Revealers

Mary Poppins & Teorema & My Uncle are three movies about revealers.

Disturbers, revealers, intruders : They land in a family, they watch, they quietly act, and they destroy something, or they fix things, enlighten situations, they reveal. It’s an interesting pattern to watch.

Mary Poppins (1964) : Spoiled and bored upper crust Edwardian English family has their world turned upside down by an all nonsensical nanny who teaches them how to enjoy life.

Teorema (1968) : A strange visitor in a wealthy family. He seduces the maid, the son, the mother, the daughter and finally the father before leaving a few days after. After he’s gone, none of them can continue living as they did.

My Uncle (1958) : Monsieur Hulot visits the technology-driven world of his sister, brother-in-law, and nephew, but he can’t quite fit into the surroundings.  

What kind of tools or dials can we find here ?

Poppins is a nanny but as we all know, she saves the father in a pretty dramatic way : he loses his job and understands that flying a colored kite is as important as dealing with money in a bank. Hulot is the typical French grain of sand, disturbing the world around him (clean, organised, ruled), in his poetic absent-minded way. In Teorema… you’ll see.

Dials : Do they do this on purpose ? For each character, what’s the proportion of decisions and randomness in their “goal” ? What happen to them after the change ? What are the levers they used in these families ? What would have happened without them ? After the visit, is everything better ? Worse ? Spoiled ? Destroyed ? Reconstructed ? Is the visitor staying in memories, like a ghost ?

(I found the synopsises in IMDB, thanks)

 

#together #silver #metal #couple #braderieddelille2015
#together #silver #metal #couple #braderieddelille2015