When your imagined map doesn’t fit with reality…

If you meet someone online, or even if you talk on Skype with a friend you know “in real life” but you never went to his/her home, your brain… works.

Your brain draws a map of this person’s apartment, or house.

According to the informations you have, you can NOT prevent your mind to invent “the other person’s place”. You’ve been there, haven’t you? Well, errr : nope.

You can hold two pictures of a room, or a complete Skype “Hey, do you want to see my place?” wandering : your brain does it : it builds a set of images and a map, it builds the light, the mood, the size of all of it.

Then…

One day you GO there. And this is disturbing. This porch, these lanterns, this mirror, this corridor, this carpet, this bathroom : you were all wrong, right? It’s different.

It clicks. You brain literally swallows the environment. It is trained to do it!

Now, you’re back home. And you have TWO memories of this place. Ah ah! So there!

The place you imagined. And the place you saw for real.

These are two different things!

OK, this makes us think, right? It’s a set of questions…

Our mind is constantly imagining what “will happen”, how this “will be”. Then, in front of reality, it… “fixes” it. It works in real time : if you hear a glass crashing on the floor behind you, your brain draws a whole decor, a scenery of “what I will see when I turn my head”.

What is disillusion?

Can you do that for a whole culture? A whole country?

What can we do, or study, with this knowledge? What if you were writing a movie? What tension could you use? More : what will your brain do with the first, imagined place, once you know pretty well the real one? Is it vanishing? Is it useless to keep it? Why? What if you studied the differences between what you expected and reality? What does it show about your brain?

What if you’re a couple and you both imagined the place you will be for a holiday, from a set of five pictures on the web? Would you talk about it, once you’re on site? I mean… about the differences of… the differences of what you imagined?

OK, I’ll have one more glass of wine before going to bed 🙂

Thanks for reading!

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Dowsing Reality in my Head : What is “Emotional Reasoning”?

You feel an emotion, so you think it “proves” something is true, this is called Emotional Reasoning. Wikipedia gives a good example of that :

…even though a spouse has shown only devotion, a person using emotional reasoning might conclude, “I know my spouse is being unfaithful because I feel jealous.”

This is a good little clockwork to watch and to take to pieces, right?

Of course people use this concept as a negative thing, a flaw, a disorder. Path to depression and all…

You have to think about Reason :

“Reason is the capacity for consciously making sense of things, applying logic, establishing and verifying facts, and changing or justifying practices, institutions, and beliefs based on new or existing information.”

We all know that, and we also know that within the informations we gather (facts, things we see, informations, things people say), our emotions have a power : they color all of these, in bright light or in shades of darkness.

So if I understand well, Emotional Reasoning is a disorder, when we narrow reason only on emotions. OK.

I need my readers. Help! This concept triggers questions and subtleties. Could this be a positive thing? Where do you put the instinct, in this process? How can reason and emotions weave together to make a strong tool? Can an emotion trigger a seek of informations? And what about the fact that new informations would braid with feelings, instinct and therefore emotions to help us draw maps for living? Where is the balance to find? How to wring a disorder into a power? Imagine your have this disorder : does it prove that if you feel something is true… it’s not? Mmhhh…

Sorry for my wobblenglish…

Thanks for reading!

 

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From Quarrel to Joust : Elevation process

When your couple needs to fight, you argue. You can stay at reptilian or prehistoric levels : you scream, play flying plates & slamming doors, scream louder, or you can try to move the cursor up.

If your quarrelsome mood – oh what a great word! – needs to unfold, there’s are some wrong ways up like becoming sarcastic or using bad faith, stupidity or violent communication (one define the other : “You’re like your mother”, “You’re lazy”), silence icy treatment or using poor innocent third parties (the kids?).

I propose to rise from these low levels of arguing. Of course you can use Reason. If you know Transactional Analysis you can begin to dissect your communication and try to put it on “Adult -> Adult” mode. That’s OK! Think. Or ask a intermediary (not your mother-in-law!) to play the diplomatic card.

My purpose here is to imagine another “Right Way Up” : Jousting. It’s a change of mood. You fight… with a smile for the other. It’s a sparkling competition. Emulation is the key. It can become a game. You can really invent rules like : “You can’t speak until you waited two minutes in silence after I did, I’ll do the same”, or “Argue on both sides of a table… with pen & paper” (find your own rules).

Jousting is a clever way to quarrel. It’s like when you play chess with a friend, emulation is the key. You want victory but you help your opponent to climb too.”Right Path Up”. Finding solutions… and at the same time satisfy your need to fight. Joust!

 

Of course if you read my blog you know that there’s a pattern here, a tool for other situations : Elevation. When and where (and how) do you realize that you’re on a low level? Gaiety? Entertainment? Sex? When you’re in a useful place but you should maybe stop, think and push a lever. Which lever is it? Subtlety. Right?

This pattern is described here : https://afrenchtoolbox.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/a-matter-of-levers/

Thanks for reading!

 

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A Way of Being in a Hole : Inventing Dawn

There are many ways to deal with depression, darkness, and feeling you’re stuck in a hole. You can cry alone, find someone who can help, you can complain, you can stay silent, you can think, you can fight to find your light, you can try to invent sparkles, you can be sarcastic, or become crazy, you can feel hope, or despair, you can wait, you can kill yourself.

Or you can invent your dawn.

Well, yes, it’s a feeling, or a decision, I don’t know. You’re in your dark hole like a forgotten filthy dog. Maybe you receive (or invent) your calling – it’s time. Maybe you just decide to move not your ass but your spirit.

You clean your sky from old squeaky moral rules, from guilt. You clean the pessimism. You want to increase your knowledge like a minstrel, a knight, a free spirit. Your refusal is joyful. You can almost guess and feel some new delights.

Rebirth. Convalescence. Regeneracy. Transition. A smell of new territories and above all : a new way to explore.

Jump out! You go girl!

Thanks for reading. Have a nice day!

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Signs of Bad Signs : our shades of narcissism

DSM (Manual of Mental Disorders) Labels are frightening. You read the list and you’ll find you have ALL disorders. You’re bipolar, antisocial, autistic and narcissistic, haha, and probably crazy enough to be locked away from society. All of us. All in prison, voilĂ .

You’ll probably agree that we have all at least a little percentage of every disorder, right?

Today I wonder if I’m not a narcissistic. And all of you in the same basket, so there!!

Wikipedia says :

“Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder (…) characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others’ feelings.”

Well, we all need to have this, OK? Cut the “exaggerated” word and here we are : as long as I didn’t reach the oriental “no ego” state, I need to feel a spoon of self-importance to stay happy, I clearly seek approval in many moments of my life, and if I know I’m often too empathetic, there are moments I don’t get other people, their choices seem sooo weird at times…

So I’m 25% narcissistic, is that it, Doctor?

I googled and found terrible things on the web, from “happiness blogs” to therapists articles and I copy/pasted a few ladles of sentences for you.

Une “personnalitĂ© narcissique”, c’est terrible! I hope you’ll never meet this kind of person, they seem to be a MESS :

  • They want to be in control and if they can’t they are nasty and biting
  • Perfectionists : “you’re never good enough”
  • Put others down : nastiness as a sport – they have to win – “I’m better than you”
  • “You’re just……………” add here any definition. Labeling you.
  • Pedestal someone to hate someone else (hey, that’s tricky!)
  • Fear of love and other emotions, all of them are “drama”
  • “You have to change”
  • “When things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault”
  • Introverted narcissists : hypersensitive, defensive and anxious
  • “You don’t understand me”
  • Grandiose projects (which lead to crashes, dramas, failures)
  • Never really open (control!), they forbid themselves to be vulnerable
  • Seek appreciation, deserved admiration
  • Selfish
  • “Make some efforts”
  • Use others to entertain
  • Never wrong, never his fault, “externalize blame”
  • “You’re too sensitive” (a label, again : “YOU are”, never “I am”)
  • Use others to get stronger then trash them – “take advantage to people”
  • Accusing others of what they do (“She’s unstable, grandiose, she’s bipolar“)

Oh my. That’s worse than DSM! Run, boy, run!

Thanks for reading. It’s summer!

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My Secret for Abandonment Syndrome

Abandonment issues are so common that I wonder why it’s not studied at school !

Well, you know it by heart : “I constantly feel frightened that people I love will leave me”.

And well… they do!

Lovers or friends, they leave you. Their choice!

That’s life, but you’re destroyed, angry, and in panic. At some point, it’s almost ridiculous, right?

Lise Bourbeau wrote a book about this wound and other wounds from childhood. She says that abandonnic people (“les abandonniques”, this is the way we call this tribe in France) protect themselves with any kind of dependency (addictions, difficulties to be alone, need of approval, etc).

You already know what is abandonment (or else Google will help you). What I want to share today is a secret a good friend of mine (she’s 60) told me one day.

She said to me that after each break-up she was so dying sick that she decided one day to see a therapist.

After a year she said to him that she was OK. He smiled and answered “No you’re not!”.

She needed three more years to get it, to understand the secret in the deepest of her mind. She said to me something like :

“Abandonment is a scar, a wound so deep that you never heal, you will never heal, ever. So… when I’m into the turmoil of a break-up, I just watch how the pain invades me, how it burns inside my chest. I recognize it. I say “Hello, pain! Do your stuff, I know you”. It burns you, just feel it. There’s nothing you can do, little man, nothing”.

Four years therapy to understand this. This is Ninja!

Bonne journée !

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#Gifted Adults are not always “gifted”, they just operate differently

The problem with words : they put labels on you. If you’ve been “gifted” in your childhood, you’re pretty sure that you’re “gifted”. But are you really? Where and how?

There are plenty of colors, nuances, gradations, in many directions, in your gifted personality.

No you don’t find “two types of humans : the gifted and the non gifted”, right? It NOT only a IQ thing…

Take the whole brain engine, get closer, watch it. Gifted people can be :

  • Funnier or darker.
  • Faster or slower-deeper.
  • More sophisticated or simply shining.
  • Craving conversations with other gifted, or isolated.
  • Big picture or mini-details seekers.
  • Learn differently, exploring or thinking.
  • Artistic or not at all.
  • Intense or lost.
  • Introvert or the contrary.
  • Independent or leaders.
  • Controlling or easy.
  • Lazy or big workaholics.
  • Anxious or happy.
  • Successful or in living in ideas and patterns.
  • Organized or messy-messy.
  • Etc. Etc.

Almost each of these lines could become an article !

I like to think that gifted adults can be “more intelligent”, but it’s not necessary. They are all different! They… operate differently, that’s for sure. And they evolve, too.

It can really be a problem in society, sometimes. I remember this example in a company, given in a French book written by B. MillĂŞtre (“Petit guide Ă  l’usage des gens intelligents qui ne se trouvent pas très douĂ©s” – “Little guide for intelligent people who find they’re not that skilled”).

A big meeting : a new big project is exposed. 95% of the audience who consider things in terms of causes and consequences – “If this, then that” – will nod (or they are angry if it’s more work for them, haha). But there’s always one or two guys who will raise a hand because they immediately detected the flaws in the new organization. They see patterns, structures, they can almost “feel” the forces in play : the Big Picture. And of course, they will be taken for a pain in the neck.

Gifted is not necessarily socially gifted, right?

Have a nice day!

JP

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