From Quarrel to Joust : Elevation process

When your couple needs to fight, you argue. You can stay at reptilian or prehistoric levels : you scream, play flying plates & slamming doors, scream louder, or you can try to move the cursor up.

If your quarrelsome mood – oh what a great word! – needs to unfold, there’s are some wrong ways up like becoming sarcastic or using bad faith, stupidity or violent communication (one define the other : “You’re like your mother”, “You’re lazy”), silence icy treatment or using poor innocent third parties (the kids?).

I propose to rise from these low levels of arguing. Of course you can use Reason. If you know Transactional Analysis you can begin to dissect your communication and try to put it on “Adult -> Adult” mode. That’s OK! Think. Or ask a intermediary (not your mother-in-law!) to play the diplomatic card.

My purpose here is to imagine another “Right Way Up” : Jousting. It’s a change of mood. You fight… with a smile for the other. It’s a sparkling competition. Emulation is the key. It can become a game. You can really invent rules like : “You can’t speak until you waited two minutes in silence after I did, I’ll do the same”, or “Argue on both sides of a table… with pen & paper” (find your own rules).

Jousting is a clever way to quarrel. It’s like when you play chess with a friend, emulation is the key. You want victory but you help your opponent to climb too.”Right Path Up”. Finding solutions… and at the same time satisfy your need to fight. Joust!

 

Of course if you read my blog you know that there’s a pattern here, a tool for other situations : Elevation. When and where (and how) do you realize that you’re on a low level? Gaiety? Entertainment? Sex? When you’re in a useful place but you should maybe stop, think and push a lever. Which lever is it? Subtlety. Right?

This pattern is described here : https://afrenchtoolbox.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/a-matter-of-levers/

Thanks for reading!

 

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Instagram : such_a_pretty_crazy

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There’s a “You’re crazy” point in almost every #argument

The “You’re crazy” point in an argument, everybody knows that.

It’s very similar to the Godwin’s Law, an Internet adage which asserts that “If an online discussion (regardless of topic or scope) goes on long enough, sooner or later someone will compare someone or something to Hitler“.

It’s almost a law for “violent communication”. Instead of talking, telling your truth, have “impeccable words”, you just say to the other one “You’re crazy!”, “You should see a therapist”. Or worse : “I’ll put you in a mental institution”. That’s it.

I do think that, at this point, you should stop arguing and take a deep breathe. If you think it’s possible, try to make the other person to talk about himself instead of putting labels on you.

Yes yes, that’s the door to go outside of this.

But… Does the other person want it?

Thanks for reading!

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Instagram : itspeteski

 

 

Fly off the handle and consequences

In France we have a different expression for “Fly off the handle” or “Blow his top” : Sortir de ses gonds

The “gonds” are the “door hinges” in French. So when someone is very angry we say “He’s out of his hinges”. In a way, I like this idiom. It means… “Ho ho…”. What can happen to a door out of its hinges, after all? It could be noisy, right?

So when someone blows his top, if there’s no plates flying, he or she SAYS things. And if you have a little common sense, you just don’t listen, or if you listen, you don’t answer. Because top blowing words fly off the handle over the roof, right?

Don’t pay attention. It’s a steam thing. Smile, but don’t show it : inside your belly.

But

If you need it, smash it back. Be angry. Scream louder. You are badly offended! Your feelings are hurt!

You can take seriously what shouldn’t been taken seriously, just because

  1. you need it for a purpose
  2. you’re a dramatic person
  3. you’re stupid

Nooo : let it fly. It’s a steam thing…

Thanks for reading!

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When you friends are so close that you organize arguments for pleasure #INTJ

There are as many types of friendship as friends in the world. You party together, or you are a group of friends, a tribe, you are venting friends, or friends with a political cause, etc…

When you’re both thinkers and talkers, your playground is made of concepts, ideas, directions and possibilities, etc. Bonjour INTJ s !

After this world of words you have the possibility to make them real and work for good, or not – because the world of ideas is a treasure island, of course (and you feel comfortable home, right?). If you don’t USE the ideas now, they can feed you for days, months or years. Later. Plus tard. Mais oui !

Tool :

Sometimes so are so close that you organize arguments for pleasure. Just for the fun of it, just for the bliss of energy, fighting, breaking mindsets, happy disturbance.

I know a teacher who did this with his best friends in front of adult students, just to make the class more interesting!

You can do that with your friend, a colleague, a spouse, anybody who’s clever enough to play.

You need of course to both KNOW that it’s a game. And you have to watch closely to what happens within the flow : sometimes it could happen that you really hurt your friends. We have all some nerves which shouldn’t be touched. Your friend know them, but not necessarily all of them, right?

Most of the time, it will work, though. It’s delightful, and rare. Your bond is stronger each time. And if you had an audience, good to them, thumbs up and all.

Peace! Thanks for reading!

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Instagram : vitolx

“Be Spontaneous, please” (Can you see my mask?)

“I’m taking a picture of you. Please smile. Nooo not like that! A big, natural, spontaneous smile”.

Everyone understands this example, right? When someone asks you to act… spontaneously, you’re stuck in an awkward grey nauseous mood. It’s called “the be spontaneous paradox”. It can happen anywhere, in a couple, a family, at work : one person requests something that can only be given spontaneously – love, interest, appreciation, desire, tenderness… You’re now stuck in a Double Bind.

Here’s a good dialog from the 2006 movie “The Break-Up” :

  • I busted my ass all day cleaning this house and then cooking that meal! And I worked today. It would be nice if you said “thank you” and helped me with the dishes.
  • Fine. I’ll help you do the damn dishes.
  • That’s not what I want.
  • You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes!
  • I want you to want to do the dishes.
  • Why would I want to do dishes?
  • Why? See, that’s my whole point.
  • Let me see if I’m following this, okay? Are you telling me that you’re upset
    because I don’t have a strong desire to clean dishes?
  • No. I’m upset because you don’t have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes.
  • I just did.
  • After I asked you!

MMMmhh?

Imagine a club, a private club with big mellow armchairs. The boss enters the room and solemnly criticize the atmosphere, and then asks everyone to be a little more gay and happy, “a few more laughs would be perfect!” – Imagine the disaster!… (I saw this one day from a web forum administrator. I tried to explain him, but without any effect).

Tool 1 : Learn how to detect when someone asks you to “act spontaneously”. And beware of this when it’s meant but unsaid, perversely implicit : it’s worse ! Your answer can be multiple.

  • If you try, you just have to put a mask. But it’s not you, it’s theater. Maybe you will have to wear it!
  • You can just say no, of course.
  • Go meta-communication : talk about this, explain the paradox and that you will not stay stuck into this.

Tool 2 : Do you do it? Putting other people into these “Please change and act spontaneously like this and like that“? If you did, can you detect the desperate unease and awkwardness you put in the other’s brain? Can you see the mask?

I will always remember this example I got from Watzlawick, a father punishing his kid telling him “Go to your room, and come back when you smile”. Horror!

 

#seed #wing

Recess Time : “I don’t talk to you anymore everrrrr”

It’s recess time. Kids are running screaming everywhere. And there’s an argument, under a tree : “You betrayed me I don’t trust you anymore ever I will tell it to my mum you are very mean and I won’t talk to you anymore everrrr”. Drama.

Imagine now some more adults word in the kids mouths now : “OK, we have a problem, friend. You broke my trust, do you realize that ? Let’s talk : how do we get out of this problem ? Why did you do that ? What happened in your mind, silly ? Is it because I didn’t want you to talk to me anymore ?”.

Then, you could see the two kids talking quietly while they walk…

I heard many times about whole families on Facebook fighting about parenting or politics or a wrong picture posted on a wall. Everybody is bitter and block everyone. I heard many times about someone who decides to “I don’t talk to you anymore ever” to his own parents. Each time I’m like : Maybe you could try a letter a year ? Maybe just to check if it’s not a misunderstanding ? Maybe to check if the angriness has vanished into memories ? Evolving towards the light ? A letter to forgive, or ask for forgiveness ? Oh there’s a good word, here : Diplomacy.

Lever :

In case of problem, wrong moves and misunderstanding, do you chopblock people, or do you, on the contrary, increase the level of dialog and try to understand, grow up, and climb a few stair-steps together ? Are you a shark (attack), a carp (fear), or a dolphin (elegance) ?

Tool :

Do you need an enemy to regroup and feel safe ? Maybe you do.

Heyyy ! This is another article !

#holderlin #powerless #danger #quote

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