To be scolded against confitation

ONE

First, I had to search for the correct translation of the French “houspiller” – se faire houspiller : to be scolded, heckled. Okey!

But it does not work. To scold is to censure usually severely or angrily. To heckle is to harass and try to disconcert with questions, challenges, or gibes. Then what about to badger (to harass or annoy persistently), or to rebuke (to criticize sharply)? There’s also “to reprimand“.

The French “houspiller” is all of that, but it contains, I think, “constantly”, and also a slight of positive energy…

It contains : “Big friends or lovers constantly se houspillent”. It contains : they like it, they need it, it’s a game, a stimulating game. Old couples, they love each other but they se houspillent all the time.

“You have too many flaws and you’re a pain in the ass, and I love you!”

TWO

These weeks I read a lot about musicians. One secret of the Beatles seemed linked to the couple Lennon/McCartney, who were clear opposites. And later someone was surprised how McCartney and his one-legged wife were arguing, told it, was heared (oops) by Macca, who winked : “I love them tough!”.

The best album of this guy (2005 – Chaos and Creation in the Backyard) had a “real producer” (Nigel Godrich, who worked with Radiohead) who disturbed him, took some lead and suggestions.

“Nigel… refused to allow me to sing songs that he didn’t like, which was very cheeky of him.”

Although initially taken aback, McCartney appreciated Godrich’s tenacity and honesty.

Bono was asked by a friend “You seem to like to be scolded”, and answered it was cultural (Dublin seems very, very harsh!), that the group (U2) and him were often arguing, that his children were cheeky, and his wife very smart shrewd! And he likes all that!

Bono says that Prince was a genious who probably needed a strong collaborator who’d say to him “this is not good enough”, or “you’re wrong”, to make him fight! He talks about Mick Jagger/Keith Richards who were constantly arguing like children.

The real problem in a relation is not to argue, it’s when you stop arguing! The awkward silence…

THREE

So, what’s my verb? What’s that lovely thing when someone is there and never ceases, when needed, to heckle you or the relation or the work you do together as a “living team”?

Who’s this person?

What’s the word when we don’t have it? Comfy or confit? Confit like marinated comfortable and immobile in delicious well seasoned goose fat certainties?

What’s the words when we do have it, when we’re heckled, fighting, laughing, surprised, bothered, talked and tickled and, well, alive?

When? Why ? How?

Thanks for reading!

N/N-1 Business Bullshittery

ONE

Evaluation based on numbers is a bullshite minefield. Each steps spurts numbers, statistics, calculations.

Which mean nothing but bring managers the illusion of mastery.

Digits Masters Detrimentors

TWO

The N-1 bullshite is one of most simple bullshite poo of the business world.

“Last year you made 100 – this year you make 90 : you have obviously a problem, come to my office”

But :

1. Contingency : Maybe last year you got an unexpected big order from another company, and without this order you would have made 60, therefore you’re doing great today, but it’s hidden in numbers
2. Market’s vagary : Maybe the “hit” you got last year is postponed this year for the month after, therefore you’ll hit the roof in a month
3. Thus, prepare to have a “problem” next year, because of the N-1 bullshite
4. Non significant : Maybe the “analyzed” field is too little : for example you sold 4 staplers in August 1976 and 3 in August 1977 so you’re at -25% – maybe you’ll sell 5 in a year and you’ll be great (and you become an “erratic employee”)
5. Events : “Your stock is too high this year (+35%!)” but there’s a reason your manager ignore (there’s a big event in two weeks and you’ll sell every single piece)
6. Not mastering the whole world : Maybe you’re at +135% but there was a shortage last year and it did not depend on you
7. Purpose : You have a shitty manager, so you make everything possible to get him bad number-indicators… but do a great job out of numbers.
8. Lazy colleagues : you’re alone mixed up with a team.
9. Reality hidden by numbers : a lazy guy on a trendy field has good N/N-1 with a lousy attitude which spoils the company’s reputation (get +35% but could have made +60% with a better work), and a great team on a transitioning market gets lukewarm N/N-1 but does a great job for the company, and prepares a bright future for business.

 

Do you have any ideas I could add to this list?

THREE

Numbers are an illusion. They “show” a simple reality, most of the time completely out of the real world, which is moving, multiplugged, complex, and human. Numbers and percentages hide things. They lower your comprehension of what happens.

Talking to people is better. Being smart too. Let % flow around idiots. Have fun.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : mariakdolores

 

Digits Masters Detrimentors

Example 1

A film distributor hesitates about what to do with a foreign movie, thus it puts it in a few avant-garde theaters in three big cities of the USA, and makes big money, and is very happy about it, then pulls it out.

The distributor doesn’t realize the movie fiercely agitated social medias and could have made 20 times more money with a larger proposition across the country, and much much more if it let is spread by word of mouth.

Example 2

His job is to sell concert tickets 8 hours a day, he’s asked to also sale an insurance fee with each ticket. He sells 3000 tickets a day, 35% insured – which is pretty good.

While he takes a 15 minutes afternoon break, someone takes his place for cover, sells 10 tickets, 5 of them insured – 50%.

The cover guy gets big congratulations by the boss : 50% is better than 35%, right?

Example 3

Google “spurious correlations” to find hilarious graphs that “proves” that there’s a link between “Per capita consumption of cheese (US) correlates with number of people who died by becoming tangled in their bedsheets” or “German passenger cars sold in the US correlates with Suicides by crashing of motor vehicle”.

Then be afraid, because it happens all the time in your company.

Example 4

In a medium size city, a DIY and artists store’s boss puts a book & stationery corner. It’s pretty rare, and people come from the everywhere around to buy a magazine or a book. Each of both activities enriches the other.

A new boss arrives, watches the turnover, assures that it’s not that much, then closes the corner. Then complains the whole store revenue slowly decreases…

 

TOOL/DIAL :

Evaluation. What is it? If in one’s job one has to analyse numbers, one has all the chances to understand NOTHING.

Digits give the great illusion of mastering things. And it’s just wrong.

When a “manager” watches bunch of numbers without meeting, asking, listening to the people involved, he’s just a happy jumping goat, an ignorant.

Therefore he’s ridiculous, embarrassing, and detrimental.

What is important is not measurable with numbers.

 

Thanks for reading! (sorry for my English…)

Beware! Bigwigs are visiting!

CEOs and other bigwigs visit one local office, a local store.

They are surrounded by the local chiefs and managers, like butterflies around a lamp in the night, who laugh too hard to the Big Chieves jokes…

Right? See it?

But of course, the bigwigs warned they will make an appearance. The “important visit by the important heads” was scheduled weeks before!

Thus, for and since days, everything has been hidden, fixed, changed, modelled… to please the elephants.

Finally, the place visited by the pointy shoed top managers and their staff has NOTHING to see with the “real place”. It’s now like a decor.

More : bigwigs talk only with local bigwigs. It’s almost a rule. Emperor not talk to proles and plebs!

 

TOOL :

If you were a smart BigWig, you would/should :

1. NEVER warn you’ll visit your stores and offices – Surprise!
2. TALK to common people, longly, in private, without any managers around

 

That’s all, folks! That simple! This is a double simple way to know what’s really happening there…

But do you want to know? Or do you like the fake “as if” masked game everybody’s playing around you?

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : _bodylanguage_

 

 

Backwards Propaganda

I have a good example : advertising of radio. It’s so bad, so wrong, so ridiculous that you facepalm and promise yourself to never buy it. EVER.

You’re in a big store and there’s a “commercial announcement” in the loudspeakers. But the voice hesitates and makes mistakes : a disaster. And it goes on, for days, weeks and months. Flee!

It’s almost all the same for propaganda. When the audience is aware (and that’s not too difficult with this mess : big statements, systematic criticism of the “enemy”, exaggeration of successes), all you reap is inner sarcasms, facepalms and rolling eyes.

So yes, the audience is this “You can’t be THAT stupid, right?” state.

There are entire books of jokes “under communism”, and they are hilarious.

Where else are we confronted today to this overboring crap? Companies slogan? Ads?

Propaganda SAYS something about the propagandist. What is it? What do you do about that? Run away? Indifference? As if enthusiasm if you have to? Inner LOLs?

 

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

Ohmylanta ! Bad #management ideas

Here are a few bad management ideas to apply if you want your team exhausted, potatosad, ineffective or bored :

• Bossy Tinpot Dictators are the worst pain in the ass ever. One could wonder how they just find the drive to “be” that Type.
• Delation based reports is a plague. You just pick up the worse idiots in your team and give them a little cap. Have your favorites to do this.
• Micromanagement is exhausting. Just keep check on people and give little orders about their job (where they don’t need you at all).
• Incompetence or cruelty? Make you team wonder if your strategy is based on one or the other…
• Give orders without explanations, even if you know that your employees will wonder why you need this.
• Don’t ask your team what they think how things should be done.
• Make your team lose their time (for example to fix your mistakes).
• Give paradoxal orders (a command that would undo the other one).
• Suspicion : just show your team you mistrust everything they do for the job.
• Procrastination is great. Just hope the problems will be fixed by magic. Answer it’s “not the moment to talk about it”.
• Invent useless rules. Watch people struggle.
• Be unreliable. Say A to Bill and B to Bob. Decide randomly in the end.

 

Tool : 

A team is a clock, an engine. There are two types of managers. You can put a little oil here and there, from time to time, and let people work. They all know their job. Or you can add sand.

Instagram : marisharasikoskinen

 

#Management : Why the HECK would you want to have an homogeneous team??

Management is funny to study. You’ll find shelves of books to read about that in every good bookstore. So it stays a mystery why we note so many stupid ideas in all hierarchies…

One of the great GREATEST Stupid Idea EVER is the will, from a manager, to have an homogeneous team.

All teachers in the world know that kids have different kinds of intelligence. Some are visual, others need words, etc. It’s the SAME for adults, silly!

You are a manager. You have a team. NOBODY is like the other one. Some are fast, but muddled, others are slow and precise. Some like to talk, others to think, some are one-task, others are multi. Some guys know how to sell, others are great organizers. Some are clumsy but clever, other are dexterous but dumb as dead maggots.

Let people be who they are! USE who they are. Encourage them! They’re good! The LAST thing you should ask people is to follow the same dumb goal. We’re all different, and if you ask people to be the same and get the same objective, you’re just a fool.

Nevertheless, it’s something you’ll see for more centuries. Managers’ stupidity is bottomless. C’est la life, dear. Just facepalm, there’s nothing much more to do here.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

What to Do With Stupid Orders – Que faire face aux ordres stupides ?

OK I’m french. My english is a frenglish, it’s rusty and wobbly, et voilà. Try me, though. I’ll do my best. I promise. If sometimes it’s too bad, just laugh at me or roll you eyes.

If you evolve within une hiérarchie, you have probably at some point faced… stupid orders. What can we do against stupid orders ? We can think, but we can also act.

Of course, we can choose to secrete some of the stress caused by stupid orders into our heads and that’s OK ! Try doing this for a while though and you’ll most likely stop, because you’ll find it’s useless.

Stupid orders make us think.

Maybe we first have to realize that our managers KNOW his or her instructions are dumb, useless, or counter-productive because after all this game of hierarchy is a matter of masks. At points, it can even become humorous to think that maybe the manager is hiding his own embarrassment when he asks us do – that. Donnez-lui un coup de coude (en pensée).

On the mood-dial of our brains, the needle can go from complete zenitudness (you don’t care about the consequences of disobeying stupid orders – you’re the Zen Master) to complete madness and murderous wishes. Alas, in the hierarchic work world, whatever you “think” can become completely useless. So what happens when your tired skull is fighting responsibility?

We play with this, manage it, compress it, try to understand it, and document it… it’s all ours. Maybe you are great at being able to detect stupid orders, however you prefer not to think about it. So then what do you do with the entire keyboard of options in front of you?

1. You can fight and say NO (aaaand… you’re fired. Goodbye).

2. You can try to explain to your manager (or to his own manager if you like danger) why the order is sooo stupid.

3. You can disobey and hide your “good work”.

4. You can just shut up and do the thing (muttering and mumbling in you beard if need be).

5. Discrete resistance is also an option. For example:  Sabotage.  Slowing the process.  Killing the branches of stupidity in silence and hiding your effort to make these stupid orders a partial or complete failure (however this could lead to betrayal by colleagues and your activity might be detected.)

Tools:

It can be useful to try various types of dissonance in an effort to develop your stance.

Inner Exile can be perfect at times. You are simply not there. You hide like a spider in a hole, linked by a casual thread.

Disguised Acceptation is cool too.  You merely say yes (and smile if you want), but you follow your own path.

At the most you’ll be found guilty of being a free electron. So there!