Yes, yes, it’s a mess. It hurts. Toxicity and boredom alert! She wants to find the “second wind” of your marriage, le “second souffle”. “Counseling?”, she says? Your answer is YES. You’d better!
Then you have to “tell your story”, then listen to huge bullshbleep from a “professional”, many times.
Then, home, you try to do “as if” – at least for a few exhausting months. You know your flaws, right? You’ll “work” on them. Be ready. You’re on a mission now.
Let’s make it short :
“Please become someone else”
So here you are, with a list of “things to change” for your wife. “People can evolve!”, she says! You have four choices :
- You obey. Beck and call. Do that, and this too. Bravo! Your flaws vanished into magic. You will get tears of joy from her eyes, great hashtags on her social medias (#bestmoment #happymarriage), and a little more hanky-twalala-panky, probably. Reward it is.
- You really do “as if”. It’s about acting, now. It’s impossible to change really, because of course nobody changes, ever, but you can really do “as if”. You want to keep her, right? It’ll last the necessary length of time… until she sees it. Then you’re on you own.
- You say firmly “no”, and you’re done. Conflict and drama. Hold the wheel, buddy! Maybe find another therapist, later. A better one, OK?
- You run away and find an easier companion. Breathe. Life is made of dotted lines, after all. Next!
- Alcohol, accident, heart attack (or other self-sabotage), or any other boring “I go out” : anything DIY in the garage, work-out, biking, duck hunting. Some people even have two bedrooms!
This was of course a sarcastic text. There are good professionals. Most of them are good listeners. They take big money to do that and that’s normal. Then, they will probably try to make you understand this : Your spouse won’t change, you have to accept your couple-dynamics.
“But wait, this means I should change myself ? You just said it’s impossible!”
Well : welcome into marriage!
In French we say :
Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop – “Shoo away your nature, it comes back at full tilt”
Well, I think you say “The leopard can’t change its spots”.
Have a nice day!
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