Decades ago, a was in love with a painter, who one days asked me – a bit solemnly – what I was thinking about her recent work.
Then, the day after, I told a good friend that I didn’t say the truth. I didn’t like her recent work that much, but “I couldn’t have the heart to tell her”.
My friend gave me a roasting (is it the correct way to use this idiom?), and told me something I never forgot :
“When you’re asked that from a person you love, you have to tell the truth, silly!”
I think he was right. And I never forgot this good lesson.
I talked one day with someone who explained me that the first quality of her husband was “he is not judgmental”.
This annoyed me a lot because I don’t understand why and how should this be a “quality”.
Secondly, we… don’t even have this word in French! Therefore, WordReference and other sites tend to turn around it : “To have a tendency to carry critics”, or “To be fast to make value judgments”. Pfff!
Thus, my brain works and tries to understand why and how non-judgmental could be a “quality”.
If you ask someone to be non judgmental, is it because you are a mess, a complicated drama person, or a weathercock nobody can understand? Or is it because you have terrible flaws? I can imagine a drunk asking for that… “He doesn’t judge me, phew!”. Is it because YOU are judgmental therefore your man can’t be (because you don’t like to fight)?
So : a non-judgmental person is perfect! He never bothers you, right?
All of this aside, it’s very surprising, because I think (like my friend at the beginning) that an important quality of a spouse (besides kindness, honesty, etc) is exactly to BE judgmental.
It means that he sees you, he values you, he wants to understand you, he likes to talk about these things, he wants your couple to be better, etc. Judge, think, connect, talk, ask : that’s couple life!
Hence, for me, to be non-judgmental in a couple is a bad sign. It shows that you lost the spirit of your lover. Or that you did put her on a pedestal, where she is “what she is” (she’s a handful, awe), and you can’t even really get, reach, understand her.
Or maybe that you accept her and everything from her, “she’s always right”, to have some peace and quiet.
If you judge, you’d be attacked as a demon, you should be reeducated. You don’t understand her.
Ever heard of a double bind?
Value your man because he’s non judgmental, then reproach him to not get you, to take you for granted.
What kind of ohlalala gap is that?
A good path towards craziness (or depression, or violence), double bind is…
(you can also have sex to shut it off)
I ask and will always ask my wife to BE judgmental. “Stay connected, love, this is our stairs strategy : tell me what’s good, what’s wrong or weird, let’s talk! I hold you hand. Let’s talk. And tomorrow, my turn, OK?”.
She needs to be valued, recognized, seen exactly as she is, complicated but genuine. She’s amazing!
I maybe don’t get how “judgmental” is radioactively charged in English. Therefore I don’t understand this word. What do you think?
And I am really convinced it’s an important problem. Judge me. Please do! It means you see me, it means we’re interlinked.
Thanks for reading!