The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella;
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust hath the just’s umbrella.
Charles Bowen
Funny
Miracle Mornings (for bloggers and duck hunters)
Well… this book (who tells you that it’s good to wake up early) is also a success in France. I just checked on ze Internet to discover they printed dozens of more, like Miracle Morning for writers, families, executives, whatever. Money is good, take it where it is!
We could offer a bigger variety, like MM to pee, MM mindfulness, MM for single fathers, MM sex and MM for photographers who like poetry, or MM for those who work on a thesis about Middle Age in Finland. Well, they did MM for Real Estate agents!
Well, it says : Wake up early. That’s all! The “not-so-obvious” blurb is wrong. It is. You just have to pull the idea-string to do it. Wake up early means… you have to jump into bed early (or you’ll be like a craving coffee sleepy slipperhead). It also means this :
You’ll have time in the quiet morning for yourself.
After all, in evenings, we all are drunk and exhausted by our day, right? Kids, noise, schedules, commuting, TV bullshittery, errands erranding, and so on : this is all melt and stuck in our head like a boule of grease, and at 8 PM you just look like an incoherent irritated dead hive.
Pill or no pill : Go to bed and sleep at 9 PM. At 5 in the morning you’ll be like a jumping happy zebra. Coffee, shower, then do what you like : blog, read, breathe, make love slowly, then go biking, or watch the sun waking up in colors, naked feet in the grass (if it’s summer – or all year long if you live in Califloridania).
Sshhhh…
Almost all my blogs articles are written hours before I go to work. I can’t do any good things in evenings – or maybe articles which are in need to be very casually written (yes, some of them need that).
Well, if you HAVE to wake up at 5 to commute & work immediately, that’s not fun anymore. I’m sorry! I lived like that for a year. I was back home at 3:30 PM and crashed in sleep anywhere in a minute, like a bovine patty-chip-dung : schplaff.
Not good for any creativity, I agree. The only thing I could do with this brain is to collect forks or avant-garde screwdrivers. Swell!
If you wake up at 4 AM because you are a hunter, I don’t like you. Killing ducks and deers is not cool. It hurts them. Not miracle morning at all! Gunshots during dawn, come on! It’s bad morning for animals, you disturb birds chirping, and it’s bad for your kharma. I wish you walk into a huge French cow chip, so there!
Have a nice day, everyone!
Birdy Animal, another quickquirk poem
I saw an animal in my house…
I think it’s a bird
It has two wings you can see
Above its head
It can fly for sure
Proof is : it was on the floor
And suddenly on my bed
This bird has a long tail
A feather it is
The wings work with an engine
I can hear the engine in the bird
On the bed in front of me
Purr… purr…
“Merde !” is not exactly your “Shit!”
Pierre Cambronne was a general of the French Empire (under Napoleo). I need Wikipedia here :
At the end of the Waterloo battle, Cambronne was commanding the last of the Old Guard when British General Colville called on him to surrender. Cambronne replied: “La garde meurt et ne se rend pas !” (“The Guard dies and does not surrender!”).
Other sources reported that Colville insisted and ultimately Cambronne replied with one word: “Merde!” (literally, “Shit!”, figuratively, “Go to hell!”)
French people remember that, and you’ll read from time to time, “He replied with the word of Cambronne”.
“Merde !” means also “Go to hell!” – is it the same in English?
“Shit” is a way to find ten minutes having fun comparing our two cultures. As a French, I’m amazed by English idioms like “Shit hits the fan”, which is magnificent. Four words to picture a terrible mess : bravo!
We don’t have this, but we extended the word “Merde” in a verb : “emmerder”, which can mean to bother/piss off someone (we could imagine a “to enshit someone”), but also “s’emmerder” (we could say “to shit yourself on” ): for “to be bored… shitless” (oh, that’s interesting!).
So in France, “merde !” can be “oh shit!”, but also “go to hell!”, but also “waow!”.
“C’est la merde” means of course you’re in deep shit. But “C’est de la merde” (it is some shit) means “It’s crap”.
Of course, other verbs are used in France :
- Merder means to fail.
- Merdoyer is a more complicated, casual and long way to… fail.
- Merdouiller means it doesn’t work very well but it’s maybe funny.
There’s an adjective, which is your shitty : merdique.
A very hard thing : “Fouteur de merde” (shit fucker) is a person who spoils and destroys a system. It’s very strong, like destroying a wedding party with drank arguments, or a person who sticks his nose in everything to cause damage. On purpose is included.
A “fouille-merde” is a shit stirrer…
Well, it’s very similar, in a way, right? I always wanted to write short stories about persons saying “Oh et puis merde !” (“Oh fuck it!”). Like : “I let go, let’s do this!”. An interesting border, don’t you think? Daring…
Have a nice day!
Hicks lunch-mosquitoezing at work : What to do?
It’s lunch break.
You Introvert, I know you! You have your quiet spot to eat, right?…
Suddenly you hear what seems to be a one-man band screaming his joy, yelling in laughter, bringing a small group into noisy happiness. Hahaha!
Hicks.
- They are happy
- They are noisy
- They like pranks
- Rib-tickling funny stories they love
- They speak like “He said this – then I said that”, in loops
- They have big voices
- They love TV
- Laughing hard
You inner-facepalm while you have to eat, then you need strategies.
- Go out for a walk under the trees.
- Choose weird hours to eat in quiet.
- Read
- Mentally train yourself to close your ears
- Find another human-being to conversation with
- Earphones
- Acceptance Amor-Fati driven
- Wait for coffee breaks : they smoke (they always smoke)
You can quit, but that’s silly. Hicks are like mosquitoes. Everywhere.
Have a nice day!
26 Worst Ways to Wake Up
Well, hi. I woke up with this title in head, therefore I had to write it…
Why 26? I don’t know, but I kept it, though there’s not 26 ways here. It’s like the traps on Facebook : “11 elements which proves you’re more intelligent”. Yeah yeah yeah.
You can add some in the comments!
The 26 Worst Ways to Wake up are :
- There’s no coffee anymore
- The cat puked everywhere in the house
- You had insomnia all night and you slept at least… ten minutes before your alarm buzzed
- You walk on and crush your glasses
- There’s a spider on your pillow
- You shower and go to work and when you’re there it’s your day off
Your turn!
Have a nice day!
Instagram : vzcomood
Snow in America
Merde alors ! : “Polite swear words?” – Some #ESL concerns…
Everyone in the world knows for good that, when you learn a language, the first things you want to know are bad words, insults and other blasphemies.
But you are in the merde if you want to swear… politely. Sometimes you have to! In front of kids in a class (“Oh dear”, “Oh my goodness”) or your grandparents, right?
Instead of saying “shit“, I heard one day Brian Eno saying “Shhhhite” (like realizing there was a cam, he had to finish his “shh” in another way). I liked shite!
One friend told me that kids could use “Oh snap” instead of it.
Today I googled a bit and found :
Son of a beach, mother trucker, or “Motherfather!” (haha), holy buckets (??). Ice hole. Shazbot. Dirty bear. Cheese and rice (instead of Jesus Christ). Sugarfoot. Upsy Daisy.
Shiznit. Chappaquiddick, etc, ohlalaaa.
“Get stuffed” instead of “fuck you”. I just found “up yours” : REALLY? That’s GREAT!
I love the simple and smart “What the eff”.
“Rats!”.
One site advised to use Old Swearing Terms, like Fopdoodle or Zooterkins. And what’s “Crummidy Dum Dum”? Well, dear, I need some help here…
Bleep yourself : “I lost my bleeping pencil!”.
These pages :
- https://wehavekids.com/parenting/101-Great-Cuss-Word-Alternatives
- http://agentfrey.blogspot.fr/2012/01/bad-words-141-alternative-ways-to-cuss.html
Well, in France we sometimes use the Belgian ones…
Thanks for reading!
Instagram : clara_ferreira_alves
#Books #Bag
By Jove ! GILES is a genius cartoonist
Giles was a cartoonist best known for his work for the British newspaper the Daily Express.
He drew mainly single but highly detailed panel, about British life.
I bought dozens of books in UK on ebay for nothing : he’s absolutely unknown outside of Great Britain because his “jokes” were often linked with British events. It’s now outdated, but what remains is so gorgeous that… I had to write about it. I’m thankful, in a way!
I admire him for his sense of space, light and scenery. There are often plenty of funny little details to look for. This gives you a special smile.
He invented a British family, and the star is “Grandma”.
I chose here three panels linked to bad weather. I love the three characters trying to hide from the cold wind in 1, the perspective and the wet road in 2, and the contrast of the guy sleeping and the rain outside in 3.
In a single drawing, you have a whole British mood. You will find plenty on Pinterest. Really, give it a try, watch his sense of image. This guy always knew where to put his camera…
Bloody rain! By Jove!
8 little Concerns with no name
Le Baleinié is a French little book, a dictionnary of 454 INVENTED WORDS about “les tracas”, concerns and bothers and fusses. I offer some examples for you pleasure.
Azog : your right shoe laced up tighter than the left
Bahan : a simple word you always forget
Chouir : to act as if you didn’t get the splutter
Dadu : impolite noise the chair does when you sit on it
Miasliquer : to sit on your cat
Flomper : to gain pounds when after you stop smoking, and then keep the weight once you’re back on smoking
Grucinelle : space between you sock and the bottom of your trousers, in which an icy wind can blow
Igourie : the gift you have to “search first in the wrong pocket”
See? We have a whole book of these little concerns, in France.
Have fun!
Attack of the giggles at a funeral : End of Solemn
C’est son chapeau!
Yeaaah we’ve all been there, right? You’re in church, at a funeral. You noticed a really ridiculous hat on some old aunt’s head, then you eye-contact with your sister who saw that you saw. You’re done : you get the giggles (is this the correct way to say it?), you can not stop laughing. Go outside and burst, you silly both!
Beware, because it could happen to you in an important meeting!
Attack of the giggles has a purpose : it’s an urgent need to end solemnity.
It’s a dial, and the giggleneedle touches a red slice of it, you’re done. Dring!
It’s a tool :
You are maybe also a ridicule feathered hat owner, you know? Who could be giggling out about what you do, and why? Where are you arrogant, intensely solemn or ridiculous? Examine your so strong recent decisions… Mmhhh?
Thanks for reading!
Opposite Course/Wrong Foot – Another type of Self Help “Be Happy!” Books
Almost all of these “Self Help” books tell the same thing : be strong, wake up early, don’t look in the past, find new goals, move forward, be mindful, accept the reality, be happy, smile, be positive, have hope, succeed, quit toxic people, surround with good energy friends, build very high expectations and reach your goals, love yourself, you’re perfect…
L’injonction au bonheur / Injunction to be happy, mhh?
I noticed, though, that the most interesting books tells us something else :
- It’s always more complex
- You are not perfect and you will never be and the path is complicated
- The contrary of these “injunctions” is probably true too
Voilà. It’s a game you can activate by yourself. Find the Opposite Course books. Or borrow the typical ones, and, just for fun, try to fight them.
- Being weak is useful and slows you down from grey or wrong goals
- Being positive “on demand” is just impossible because you have no cursor for that.
- Quitting “toxic people” is not easy, and they are not as-toxic-as-that, it’s maybe a wrong opinion, and maybe they can help you in an oblique way.
- If you expect too high you may just don’t reach it, and you’ll despair…
- Etc.
Can you REALLY wake up and smile? Every single morning? Don’t you look like a freaky frog?
Allez! Have a nice splendid day!
The only thing you can count on, it’s the change
“How did you dare?!” – Small Talks & Smaller Talks at work
Small talks at work, we all do that. At least we try : mini-gossips, weather complains, anecdotes, little booboos and week-end failures, right? It’s friendly!
But are you lucky enough to know a colleague who could do “smaller talks”, which are like wordwinks? I do. And that’s delightful.
She passes by and says to me very seriously, without any sight of slowing down :
“Certainly not!”
Then she’s gone.
Yeahhhh. You’ve been there, I hope! I often open my mouth, as expected, like very scandalized. That’s all. That’s enough.
One pleasure is to notice the slight wtf-embarrassment of other people.
And one another is to prepare a strict, mean revenge, for her appreciation. I could go beside her one hour later, and say with a strong belief :
“How did you dare??”
So there. Bim.
She’d frown and answer : “Because!”, then will push the cork : “HA!”. That’s all. After lunch, in the stairs, she’d add : “You had it coming!”. Ohhhh!
Well, you sometimes have to find your mate!
Thanks for reading! Bonne journée!
This is the funny story or the #Wilhelm scream – #movies
In the fifties, a sound engineer recorded the sound of a screaming man and put it into the film he was working on. In a scene from the film, soldiers are lost in a swamp in the Everglades, and one of them is bitten and dragged underwater by an alligator.
“Aaaahhh!”. Well, here it is :
The guy filed the tape under the name : “Man getting bit by an alligator, and he screamed”. So there.
Years after, a sound designer called Ben Burtt put the sound into a Star Wars movie (on a falling Stormtrooper), in Indiana Jones also. Since then, other sound designers began to put it in movies, and it became a joke.
If you want to know more, Google “Wilhelm Scream”. You’ll find another scream, and some YouTube clips with the best use of it. Ain’t it perfect?
Thanks for reading!
Some examples?
Préciosité – a French #Language mess
Who were Les Précieuses? A few ladies in some salons, in the 17th Century, under the reign of Louis XIV, king of France.
What is it all about? A very affected way of using words, with some quirky metaphors and periphrasis, banishment of “bad words”, a strong will to be original and precious. An overstatement of elegance and exquisiteness…
Of course it sounded pretentious (Molière satirized the Précieuses in his play Les Précieuses ridicules.), but it’s funny to watch it today. And it can be tool to work with.
Examples :
- A hand : “moving beauty”
- Teeth : “mouth furniture”
- Of course the eyes became “the mirrors of the soul”
There’s a French Dictionary of preciousity here : http://www.miscellanees.com/s/somaize.htm
Consequences :
Some idioms, in France, come from this period. We say “un billet doux” (“a sweet note”) for a love letter, and “perdre son sérieux” (“to lose one’s seriousness”) when you begin to laugh!
Dial :
What are the territories, today, which will maybe considered as “Précieuse” in the future?
Tool :
It can be a very little but useful tool in a brainstorming session. Stop everything. Gather what you already got, and make it Précieuse.
A common sense says that “less is beautiful”. So what if “more is beautiful… in another way”?
What can you MAKE précieuse? Words, of course. Design? Objects? Art? Poetry?
Thanks for reading!
Instagram : ___bodylanguage___
There are two types of men in the world
There are two types of men in the world :
Those who think there are two types of men in the world, and the others!
Nasreddin
“A little bike in the coffee pot” : idioms about craziness
Let me present you two French idioms about craziness :
- Il travaille du chapeau (he works from his hat)
- Il a une araignée dans le plafond (He has a spider in the ceiling)
Both say the same of course. I found in english :
He has a screw loose (I love this one!), he has bats in his belfry, but also “go bananas” (more angry? Then we’d say “Il a fait un caca nerveux” : He made a nervous poo) or “Out to lunch” (which seems slightly different and both made me laugh for ten minutes, at least).
OK, we have more too in French :
- Avoir les fils qui se touchent (his strings are touching each other)
- Parler aux murs (he speaks to walls)
- Il lui manque une case (he lacks one compartment)
- Il a un pète au casque (he has a bump at the helmet)
- Il est pas fini (he’s not finished)
- Il a un petit vélo dans la cafetière (he has a little bike in the coffee pot).
Like it? Try this page in French. For example, Portuguese say “He has little monkeys in the attic”.
Well, there’s something weird upstairs, right? 🙂
Thanks for reading!
a french toolbox 