Listeners & Askers

We all know this : People listen with the intent to reply.

A few people only are able to listen carefully.

  • They have empathy
  • They think about their level of listening
  • They are clever conversationalists
  • They shut up, thus you have to keep talking
  • They are interested

It works pretty well with the “feeling” part of life, of sharing. You listen to a friend who has a problem, you listen to a colleague who needs to vent, you listen to funny things that happened to the other one.

And it’s good with the “information” part of life : to obtain information, to learn, to understand, etc…

 

But there’s another level over this “listen/shut up/be empathetic” plateau : The Listener-Asker.

No their method it’s not often found in the good old “quotes about listening” (Google them if you need).

The listener-asker has all the previous skills, and this : they’re thinkers, they’re plugged, plus they dare (and they are pleased) to ask. They ASK. They multiply ask, they take their turn, they can cut your wordflow (because it’s needed, that’s all), they can ask one targeted question, or seven, interlocked into a splendid, fastly crafted and powerful braintool, made up for you.

It’s NOT asking to know more, of for encouragements, to rekindle. It’s not!

It’s about all this at the same time : listening, processing, being empathetic (which is the power of entering into another’s personality and imaginatively experiencing his experiences) then clever-asking.

Asking, then, is a complex and strong power : by asking you show the other one you understood, you help, you deliver, you show you’re plugged, you give a hand for a birth-giving, you hold a hand, you disturb (in a good way), you maybe… make waves, yes. and you offer tools, in an unnoticed eye-sparkling smile.

 

I know, it’s probably far from what you’ll always hear about listening : “focus, be quiet and gentle”.

Also :

When an Asker meets an Asker, well, don’t even try to mess with them : they have their own planet. Let them play. They do!

 

Have a nice day!

 

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The Listener Type – Chronicle 41

The Listener is someone who has and is able to spend a whole evening helping a friend. The Listener in the end of a “being an ear” afternoon, hears this goodbye at the door, from the person who goes away emptied and relieved : “And how about you?”. Implied “You’re always good, aren’t you?” – probably.

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Idea for a short story :

“Obedient to a strong promise made in the past, he wrote a letter every day to his lover and… read it to her on her grave. One day, there’s a funeral. The day after he comes with his letters to discover there’s another name on the tomb : her husband”.

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Lise Bourbeau says that the wounds of our childhood makes us build masks to protect us. Rejection makes you shifty, Injustice makes you stiff, Abandonment makes you dependant, Treason makes you bossy, and Humiliation makes you a masochist. I love her way to say we can’t do anything against it, you can’t heal, but accept and use them as skills : I’ll develop another day.

More here : https://kayapinri.wordpress.com/2015/05/20/the-5-wounds-of-the-soul/

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Possible Waldgängers :

  1. A party. Someone takes a book and go read under a tree listening to the party.
  2. In a city a pregnant woman walks
  3. An otaku watches forum discussions on his computer
  4. Voluntarily poor guy soliloquy
  5. Someone with cancer watches the world
  6. A child listens to adults on a couch, during a dinner
  7. A man in love – at work
  8. Someone with no TV talks with colleagues
  9. War time, a man hides in the woods, near a village

 

1 (107)

 

 

 

Have a great day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you don’t manage to console someone

“Quand on ne parvient pas à consoler”, we say in French. This alone is a problem to translate. “Parvient” is from the verb “parvenir”. Dictionaries translate it with :

  • To succeed
  • To manage

But it is NOT that meaning. It is not a “success” (with what, a medal, a fanfare?) to console a crying person (it’s not fixable). And “to manage” (organize, control, etc) has little to do with listening to a terribly sad somebody.

So there’s a word lacking here. A mixed of “to reach”, “to achieve”, “to manage with invisible wills and means”, “to get through”…

 

Achieving comfort of somebody’s grief or sorrow need a whole harp : listening means, empathy, silence, freedom, focus, acceptance and maybe conversational skills…

Becoming a father I learned that children have terrible grieving moments. Despair which comes from the heart, in the deep. Kids need security, and when they are afraid to lose it, it’s terrible. It’s one great joy when you console your child, in front of a tree moving in the wind, or during a walk, or on a chair. Listen, talk, look, hug. As a mother, a father, you need to be here, and you find your own ways.

 

When I read books about self help, or psychology, or mental care, I’m always very interested by a passage or a chapter about “how to listen“. Specialists think about it very closely (maybe I’ll write about this alone, one day).

Sometimes, you don’t manage to console somebody. Grief and sorrow… Because…

  • It’s unconsolable
  • You’re not ready
  • You’re too close
  • You are tired
  • You are annoyed by it
  • You’re overwhelmed
  • You’re sad too
  • You don’t understand
  • You’re not strong enough

 

Sometimes you think you fail. Even if we can’t talk about communicating vessels, you’ll catch a part of the sadness.

Well, I think the main thing is the fact… you’re here to listen, right? If we think we didn’t manage to comfort the other one, maybe we did. A little. Because we were there.

 

Have a nice day!

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Instagram : teladipinta

Surprising Reversibilities

– I owe you so much!
– No no no, it’s I who owe you…

 

  1. A therapist takes care of his patient.
  2. Stravinsky or Hindemith were influenced by Bach.
  3. Someone is watching and analyzing a painting.

All these three examples are simple and clear. You can draw the arrow, right?

We thinkers like to go deeper, though. To find nuances, subtleties :

  1. There are many ways of listening, of helping someone…
  2. What are the elements which makes us notice the influence?
  3. What do we seek – and find in Arts? An emotion? Links?

You can spend months on each, reading books. Refining concepts is a bliss, right? Good!

 

Today I study one thing : reversibility. It’s meeting a surprise “the other way around”, and it’s charged with intensity :

  1. A therapist suddenly talks about himself. Instead of listening, he tells his own story. The patient is suddenly captivated. This is a well known trick in this field! Psychotherapists say it gives a stronger link (therefore a power) on a patient. Adding humanity in the bond is a strange and powerful idea…
  2. Many specialists come to a point where they see where is Bach in Hindemith, but also that there is some Hindemith (1895-1963) in Bach (1665-1750). Two centuries before, OK, but you can study this the other way around – even if you think it’s “not OK”. It’s a game for spirits, to study how the now can be seen as an influence for the past.
  3. An Art lover studies a painting, a music, and he realizes it works in the other way : the piece of work moves him, changes him, teaches him, overwhelms him. You explore yourself through another person’s work. You are amazed by unconscious and historical forces at stake. Your skin (or your guts) are activated. Astonishment is a trigger for your brain. Then, maybe, you’re… slaked (and this can be in MANY ways), right?

 

A child comes from a mother, a father. But parents are also transformed by the coming. In the end, the person who is a child gives parents… motherhood and fatherhood.

Mhhh I like that. You feel that I touch something here, oui? Where, in what other examples can you imagine this reversibility process? Business? Couple? Creativity? Ads? Poetry? Where, when it’s obvious “things are going this way”, could you reverse something? Therefore what?

Thanks for reading!

 

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“He said this I said that” are conversation thieves, but well…

At work. Lunch time. You hear people telling things…

“He said this, then I answered that, and then he said…”. Etc.

The interlocutor nods in agreement – she/he HAS TO, right?

Because the “He said this I said that” person is a little excited by her/his report.

I don’t know exactly why, but it’s not a good sign. “He said this I said that” guys and girls are a bit boring, right? They are like… conversation thieves.

They blow their own trumpet, they’re all that.

Interlocutor? Nod please, because they need to blow it. I mean : the trumpet. They say :

– I’m great, right? I’m strong! I don’t let myself pushed around, right?

Yes! Say yes! Because… they really don’t expect you to say “No, because”!

Therefore, it’s like a game. A play. One is making as if he’s strong. Two is making as if he agrees. And we all know why people play this game : because after a moment, it’s the other’s turn. Other way round. “As for me” time.

In a way, it’s like liking someone’s happiness selfie, right?

…wounded egos has to say it…

 

A long time ago I read in a forum a woman contribution, she was angry, saying that us guys were talking about things (my guns, my knife, my car), and girls were talking about people (she said, he said). She was obviously craving conversations about ideas. But found no one. It’s a slightly very little spoonish schematic, but, well, it said something…

 

Have a nice day!

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