Alliance

When I was 25 I talked with my friend who was 40 and she said :

“Love? It’s an everyday choice!”

What? At this young age you’re NOT ready at all to hear that, right? You think meeting, magic, bond, “the one”, etc. Choice sounds not romantic enough…

Well it’s a whole subject, you’ll find books and blog articles about that. Married couples can explain. That’s not my point.

Of course, she was right!

When I began to read the letters between Gide and Valéry, two big French intellectuals, I found this idea. These guys were very different, have very little in common, but they found a spot, a territory, and they stayed friends their whole life!

It was not about “good friendship”, best pals and laughing while having beers. It was not magic of eyes and long smiling walks. It was like some work. It was like… a choice.

They used each other.

You know me, I’m constantly flipping through many pages and many books. Today I found a chapter about Sollers and Barthes. Of course : I found the same idea, very clearly exposed : they needed each other, they ate each other twice a month, and they used each other, intensively. One published the other. The other wrote an article to defend his friend. One had more experience, but loved the rocketing ideas of his friend. Etc.

Alliance.

Explicit, and probably untold. Dance of brains. Hands given. Stairs.

I don’t know why. What I understood about love decades ago existed for friendship and I ignored it. Strange…

Have a nice day!

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Instagram : _bodylanguage_

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The strange bliss of instant reconnection with old soulmates

I have 5 or 6 friends with whom I have rare great bursts of emails.

An ex. A penpal. Or a friend. Some of them I’ve never met – only online. For one of them, I’ve even never seen her face, not a picture, not once. We call it “The meeting of spirits”, la rencontre des esprits…

You can stop writing for YEARS, and when you talk again it’s like it stopped the day before. You know, that kind of friend. Soulmates. It can be weaved with past love, but not necessarily. This strange friendship is a treasure, a connection, a link, a bond.

That makes me think, tonight. This kind of bond is delightful, because you both KNOW. You don’t have to say, to explain. It’s just there. You understand each other : “I know you”.

No news for years, and then an email, an answer, and often a burst : five or six emails. Long letters. One skype conversation in 15 years. One phone call in a year. Immediately it climbs to a secret good place you both know. We don’t have to explain. It ours. As if a myriad of appendages were connecting to each other at fast pace.

The link can be reactivated in a second. In many ways. It can be “I need you”. It can be “I have something to tell you”. It can be “I have a problem”. It can be “What’s up dear?”. It can be “Long time no see”. It can be “You seem to need some help”. Or “I miss you”. It depends! But it’s there. Whatever happens.

My soulmates. L. O. PdP. SL. JA. L. BE. ED.

Hey! I know you’re here. You know I’m here. Thank you!

Thanks for reading!

 

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The Merciless Intimacy of Driven Conversations

Paul Valéry, in his notebooks, wrote a little paragraph about conversations.

We all know what is a good conversation, right? Valéry throws some elements, like a puzzle (each one could become an article), to understand “this” type conversation :

  1. Conversations with your own kind, your “very own kind“.
  2. It’s driven, there’s a thrust.
  3. You need a favorable evening.
  4. You drive the conversation together as far as you can.
  5. It’s a melt of hate and love, it creates a merciless intimacy.
  6. There’s a growth of mutual divination, clairvoyance.
  7. There’s a fury, a will to go faster, deeper.
  8. It’s like a fight, a chess game, intercourse, it’s like running together.
  9. It’s one proof of the existence of humanity…

 

What would you add? How is the subject of conversation chosen (or does it fall from the roof, pushed by mood, events, words)? How is it colored by wine, vodka, whatever? What would add, for this puzzle?

Thanks for reading!

JP

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“This” Tropism : what you read understands you

The King of Kings of the world, for this, is Marcel Proust.

Buy, one day, a good translation of “A la Recherche du Temps Perdu” (In Search of Lost Time). If you want to explore Proust, buy first How Proust Can Change Your Life by Alain De Botton, it’s a really great book, and a great key to this author. Buy it for your birthday! Say it’s from Jean-Pascal, OK?

I try, here, next to my little tools, to talk about “very little movements of the minds”, what we call here “Tropismes”.

There is ONE tropism you know pretty well, you blog reader, it’s this one :

When you read an article and you jump off you chair saying : “It’s true! I feel that too! Never seen it written though!”.

It’s lovely to suddenly see someone who struggles with the same tiny mind movements as you, right?

Someone wrote one day that

We read to know we’re not alone

Isn’t it true?

 

Jean-Pascal

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Narration of cold sadism as low form of gaiety : a narcissistic tropism

I wrote thrice about this idea : it’s a bit too easy to put “mental disorders” labels on people :

I don’t mean you won’t meet any real wolves in the forest of people, but that’s not what I’m writing about here.

Merely, it’s some common sense to realize that :

  1. We have all “traits” of mental disorders, we have all, with different shades, a little of bipolarity, narcissism, schizophrenia, etc…
  2. This varies along the days, the weeks, the months, the years. We are never the same, we are not steady, we evolve, we react, and this is why labels will never work to know someone (but it’s OK to study a moment), it’s this concept : Haecceity.

 

I read a lot about narcissistic perversion personality, manipulative people who live on this pattern : finding a good person, seducing her (or him, but let’s call her a her), mentally make her crazy with paradoxical communication, then vampyring her – feeling joy over her perdition and destroyed life. Until the next prey.

If you want to know more, you can Google it, or read this thread in Quora.

I will write very soon about how they seduce their empathetic prey (there’s a trick about finding prey’s flaw). This article just describes how they FEED : seeing the other’s distress.

How they do it is too long too describe, but let’s say they use paradoxes :

At the start the pervert is evidently very cautious, he is smiling, supportive, attentive, an ideal partner! The victim falls under his charm. Later, first incidents arrive, hurting remarks, aggressive looks, unexpected or violent reaction. But after that quickly come pleasant moment when the pervert reacts as if nothing had ever happened, and the victim often asks herself if she did not dream up the unpleasant scenes…

When his victim is powerless, lost, disoriented, they hit, and then comes this huge feeling of joy. And they need a witness : this nasty joy has to be expressed :

“He’s so weak! I’ve been such a BITCH! I massively injured his pride! He’s like a mouse now. You should have heard what I told him. He was like : << what did I do? >>. HAHAHA”.

This is a real source of joy and comfort for this person. “I hurt him – that’s great – listen!”

Low form of gaiety, I told you!

Tools :

What do you do about this kind of person? What if you were a wolf? Write a short story about this disorder? Do you have examples? What are others low form of gaiety? What happens when (and after) you realize you have jubilation in harming people? What do you do if you’re 15% NPD, if you’re 30%? Why does every article I read about this say that the Narcissistic Personality Disorder persons will never, ever accept and understand he’s like that, and thus there’s no cure ever?

 

Thanks for reading!

This one is interesting :

http://unisoultheory.com/index.php/2016/11/27/empath-loves-narcissist/
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Counseling for couples : “Please become someone else”

Yes, yes, it’s a mess. It hurts. Toxicity and boredom alert! She wants to find the “second wind” of your marriage, le “second souffle”. “Counseling?”, she says? Your answer is YES. You’d better!

Then you have to “tell your story”, then listen to huge bullshbleep from a “professional”, many times.

Then, home, you try to do “as if” – at least for a few exhausting months. You know your flaws, right? You’ll “work” on them. Be ready. You’re on a mission now.

Let’s make it short :

“Please become someone else”

So here you are, with a list of “things to change” for your wife. “People can evolve!”, she says! You have four choices :

  1. You obey. Beck and call. Do that, and this too. Bravo! Your flaws vanished into magic. You will get tears of joy from her eyes, great hashtags on her social medias (#bestmoment #happymarriage), and a little more hanky-twalala-panky, probably. Reward it is.
  2. You really do “as if”. It’s about acting, now. It’s impossible to change really, because of course nobody changes, ever, but you can really do “as if”. You want to keep her, right? It’ll last the necessary length of time… until she sees it. Then you’re on you own.
  3. You say firmly “no”, and you’re done. Conflict and drama. Hold the wheel, buddy! Maybe find another therapist, later. A better one, OK?
  4. You run away and find an easier companion. Breathe. Life is made of dotted lines, after all. Next!
  5. Alcohol, accident, heart attack (or other self-sabotage), or any other boring “I go out” : anything DIY in the garage, work-out, biking, duck hunting. Some people even have two bedrooms!

Your choice?

Tools :

This was of course a sarcastic text. There are good professionals. Most of them are good listeners. They take big money to do that and that’s normal. Then, they will probably try to make you understand this : Your spouse won’t change, you have to accept your couple-dynamics.

“But wait, this means I should change myself ? You just said it’s impossible!”

Well : welcome into marriage!

In French we say :

Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop – “Shoo away your nature, it comes back at full tilt”

Well, I think you say “The leopard can’t change its spots”.

Can he?

 

Have a nice day!

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<< Please become what I want you to be >>

“God will give it back to you”

This Sunday morning I was so… under, that I took my bag to – guess what – run some errands. You knowww… it keeps your mind and body a little busy. I’m aware it’s a low form of comfort, but we all do what we can, right?

I bought a bottle of Chardonnay, among little things I need home : tuna fish, tomatoes, coffee.

Was walking back home in the very quiet streets of La Madeleine when I overtook a VERY old lady, walking at snailspeed with the help of a metallic medical walker.

– “Hey mister?”, she asked. I stopped and of course answered her : “Do you need some help?”.

She showed me her untied shoe.

“Can you help me with that?”. Of course I agreed and we small talked while I was fixing it. Like : “I’m sorry to annoy you with that/Well, one day I’ll need it maybe too from someone else!”.

She was probably in her nineties. I felt her great and fast intelligence, completely slowed down by the age of her body. Sparkles in her eyes, in her smile. VERY smart, very old.

I imagined her at 17, vivacious and beautiful. I imagined her at 40, gorgeous and seeking the sense of love and life. She told me (with a winking smile) : “Dieu vous le rendra!” – “God will reward you”. The kind of phrase you get from a person who doesn’t believe in any God, but knows the deep meaning of that situation.

“Thank you”

She knew that I knew. I saw it in her eyes. We “clicked”.

 

I have a little tool for that :

Life IS short. Let’s find a way.

 

PS : “Dieu vous le rendra” is your “God will reward you”, so, OK. But if I rawtranslate it, you get “God will give it back to you”. It’s a bit different, right?

Oh, my, this needs a conversation. Again.

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