Epistolarian

If I had to give a few words to define me, epistolarian would be in the list. Letters writer lover.

Old letters are as useful as old diaries. You can find back some old ideas you forgot, you can understand where you were – therefore where you are now, etc.

A real human being never trashes informations. The past stays in the past, and it’s interesting to have maps – for example : to find new paths.

So when an epistolarian meets another epistolarian it’s blissful. It can appear in the guise of twenty pages of “this is what happened” or one email of “kind but precise questions” or just like a slow paced tennis conversation, games and smiles, what ifs and helping hands, curiosity and musics or books discoveries.

Like in tennis, it’s like having a respectful opponent who sends back the ball to challenge you. Oh OK it’s more like a dance…

It’s like a secret. It’s slow. It’s a common silence too. Written words.

Good epistolarians are rare. They have to love words, ideas, telling stories, sharing, but also the process of elaborating. And they have to like the pace of it, determined by the other responses too. It’s like a dance, I agree. A dance of spirits.

 

Sometimes we MEET someone with whom we shared letters for years. The person is likely to be very different from the Epistolarian Friend you played with before. It happened to me (almost 30 years ago). It was intense, interesting, very different, and it… supplied a great new blood to our future letters!

Epistolarians know something : No “in real life” meeting can change the person you danced with with letters. It’s the last phrase of this notebook page : “Rien ne peut changer ce que vous êtes à mes yeux” : “Nothing can change who you are in my eyes”.

 

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“He said this I said that” are conversation thieves, but well…

At work. Lunch time. You hear people telling things…

“He said this, then I answered that, and then he said…”. Etc.

The interlocutor nods in agreement – she/he HAS TO, right?

Because the “He said this I said that” person is a little excited by her/his report.

I don’t know exactly why, but it’s not a good sign. “He said this I said that” guys and girls are a bit boring, right? They are like… conversation thieves.

They blow their own trumpet, they’re all that.

Interlocutor? Nod please, because they need to blow it. I mean : the trumpet. They say :

– I’m great, right? I’m strong! I don’t let myself pushed around, right?

Yes! Say yes! Because… they really don’t expect you to say “No, because”!

Therefore, it’s like a game. A play. One is making as if he’s strong. Two is making as if he agrees. And we all know why people play this game : because after a moment, it’s the other’s turn. Other way round. “As for me” time.

In a way, it’s like liking someone’s happiness selfie, right?

…wounded egos has to say it…

 

A long time ago I read in a forum a woman contribution, she was angry, saying that us guys were talking about things (my guns, my knife, my car), and girls were talking about people (she said, he said). She was obviously craving conversations about ideas. But found no one. It’s a slightly very little spoonish schematic, but, well, it said something…

 

Have a nice day!

 

“Add some light in places”, or why to intellectualize will never kill the magic!

This is an old pattern many people use, like an old, useless dusty tool. This one says something like :

In front of beauty, don’t intellectualize too much or else you’ll lose the magic

 

In sex, art, photography, any place where magic is found, of course we can say that wizardry exists because it unfolds out of the words’s limitations.

Even in fields like poetry or novels (where words are used), able to catch you with style and stories, and bring you in the domain of dreams.

And I’m the first to tell – and repeat – here in this blog, that it is wise to stay out of words, these weak labels, in many articles about how photographers or painters don’t like to explain, etc.

In front of beauty, don’t intellectualize too much or else you’ll lose the magic

Peel and decorticate magic, and you kill the goose (with the golden eggs, etc).

Well : Okey!

I’d add this word : BUT. Or this word : ALSO.

But, also, and nevertheless, there are days you wanna do it.

Analyze the magic of a novel. Dissect a music track. Have a precise conversation about sex. Use the pause button on your remote control to understand how a scene is edited. Read articles about masterpieces, and prefaces of old classics. Stop eating this delicious meal and try to find how it’s been cooked. Wonder how your love story is evolving…

This IS what intellectualizing is, it brings knowledge, shows you new paths, increases your intelligence, draws new maps, enlightens your universe, gives you more energy to explore, to dive deeper the next time you’ll plunge into your next “not thinking too much” moments…

Do you really think it “kills the magic”?

What if it rather adds some light in places?

Thanks for reading!

 

#layers

“Say your Say” – when a thinker’s tension needs a relief

Everybody knows this tension when you have to say something to someone.

You can write a letter to this person and then destroy it. You can organize a conversation because you “have to say your word”.

You can also read this article : “Venting of Paper“.

You “prepare” what you have to say for hours, hours, and days, overthinking your future monolog. And the day you’re on it, it’s even richer than what you prepared. Your mind is propelled by the tension you had in yourself for so long. You reach the end of your say with a feeling of relief.

Until next time, right?

It’s a similar process when you have to think how to write a blog article. You found the idea, you’re in front of your Macintosh, and… some days, it’s impossible : you don’t find the proper way to do it, you don’t find your first sentence, it simply does not move along.

Then you know what? Instead of watching the wall or your lamp like a dead louse, act like when you have to say something so somebody : find a random person around (your mother, your cat, a friend you can call), and explain to him/her what you would like to explain in this article, how you don’t succed, or maybe just ask a few questions, then jump through the first window which will appear in the person’s response. Blah blah time.

Your mind, propelled by the tension of “I have an idea I’d like to blog about but don’t know how to do it”, will do the rest : you’ll monolog, discovering probably new ideas along, et voilà. Then, say thanks to the poor headshaking listener, and write.

You can also read this article : “Get some help from an ignorant“.

Thanks for reading!

Instagram : bodylanguage

 

Light a fire under my fantasy flaw : Words VS Action

This article was triggered by a friend in the USA, telling me that many men from other countries asked her to visit (all this linked to love and attraction, etc…), but… “Who takes a plane to visit ME?”.

I read many interviews of filmmakers, who love to write stories and scenarios, and like to work for days on the editing process, but these directors hate shooting because it’s a compromise of their script – or at least they find it boring and complicated. You’re surrounded by a huge team who spend their time to fix problems, right? With actors who are fragile, lost, or complicated. They know they HAVE TO do it, though.

I think I’m this kind of guy. This is a flaw, and this is bad. I tend to live in a fantasy world. I like ideas, books, and metaphors. I like to say “Let’s keep it a dance”, but I don’t propose real tango lessons. I fantasize about traveling but I don’t even have a passport! I’d love to visit Luca (Italy), Yalta (Ukraine), or Petaluma (California)… and I don’t even have a car.

I’m not a doer, I’m not a strong person, I’m a dreamer and we dreamers tend to overthink instead of moving our asses. I know it can be felt as a betrayal by action people…

I should light a fire under my ass (ohh these American idioms with the word “ass”) but I don’t and won’t. Somebody could light it for me, but that’s lazy to easy to say that, right? And if I don’t move it could hurtburn my bottom, poor me! Condemned to stand up for the rest of my life…

Nevertheless, I think that you could find a sidekick lover, a partner who likes your conversation and dreaming capacities (fair’s fair), who settles in, takes their place next to you, not to become an engine or a pusher, which would be exhausting, but who knows you well enough to guess when to trigger this lever they know about. A single well placed sentence and a dreamer can become a strong action happy man. Tadaaaa.

OK, too easy, and lazy, right? It was probably…

…a dream 🙂

Have a nice day!

(Fair’s fair… I like this one!)

Drawn up Ping Pong : Slow Motion Conversation

This evening I talked for 10 minutes with a photographer. He’s interested in the concept of “perception” in Arts. What do people see? What is to be an artist? How to surprise the audience? To make “beauty”? What is a good picture? How to avoid people to drain into assessments, in Art? What is to be anecdotal? Questions and concepts were like a firework. It was GOOD.

I left this guy, riding my bike, with a smile on my face. He had the same smile. This smile said : “I shared ideas with an interesting person”. It’s almost a relief, right? It’s good, because both of us found ideas into this conversation. We climbed.

When you find an intelligent conversationalist who likes to play “this” ping-pong with you, it gives you a smiling string, an energy, all day long. You now have an interlocutor, a conversation partner. At least!!!!

Jubilation, it’s the word.

OK. Next step now. Imagine one found another.

We can talk in many ways. In real time, man to man, or with Skype. We can text. We can talk/collaborate, write articles, a book. There are many ways to live a conversation-bond.

When you find a “mate” like this, you can struggle for years before you find the right way to communicate. You have to find a pace, too. It’s sometimes difficult to find it but you insist, because you know there’s something.

Maybe you have to slow down? Shut off everything and go to snail paper mail, or “twice a month email”. Etc. Meta-talk about it, it’s interesting! Why?

If you’re fast : text. If you’re near : have a glass of wine and talk for hours. If you need quiet : email.

I like emails. It’s quiet, slow, you can read, re-read, make it grow, garnish, then read over, then again, before you SEND. You can perfectly invent an agreement with your mate : “Don’t write before you get my answer” (which is great : you can decide to stop this for months if you feel like it), or “Two emails a month”. Invent yours!

In our times of speedy communications, everything quiet, drawn up and slow is seen like a treasure. “Keep pace with” because it’s worth it. Slow it down, underwater. Make each sparkle a gold nugget.

What do you think? Who wants to try?

Thanks for reading! Merci !

 

Ask your closest friend : “What do I do wrong?” – #friendship #goals #coaching

It’s just a tool and the title says everything :

Ask your closest friend : “What do I do wrong?”

Maybe you have a clue and you want to ask him or her (now I say her) about a problem you have. You both know you have to talk. Prepare a tea, free up an afternoon, and you go girls!

This idea is different, it’s more like : you just want to watch your best friend in the eyes and ask for truth. It’s different and it’s rare. “I ask you to tell me : in your opinion, what do I do wrong?”.

YES it’s asking for “friend-coaching”, and why not?

You have to be aware, both of you. This could lead to dangerous paths, or… uncomfortable discoveries! Set the rules, chillbreathe and let’s go. You are both smart. I know that.

It’s a variation of this article : When you friends are so close that you organize arguments for pleasure. But it’s not for fun, or to teach, or to wander delightfully in the Kingdom of Ideas. It’s about you. Your friend knows your soil and your inner axles. Listen to her, carefully!

Hug, then.

Merci et bonne journée!

Art by Jessica Hess

 

“How did you dare?!” – Small Talks & Smaller Talks at work

Small talks at work, we all do that. At least we try : mini-gossips, weather complains, anecdotes, little booboos and week-end failures, right? It’s friendly!

But are you lucky enough to know a colleague who could do “smaller talks”, which are like wordwinks? I do. And that’s delightful.

She passes by and says to me very seriously, without any sight of slowing down :

“Certainly not!”

Then she’s gone.

Yeahhhh. You’ve been there, I hope! I often open my mouth, as expected, like very scandalized. That’s all. That’s enough.

One pleasure is to notice the slight wtf-embarrassment of other people.

And one another is to prepare a strict, mean revenge, for her appreciation. I could go beside her one hour later, and say with a strong belief :

“How did you dare??”

So there. Bim.

She’d frown and answer : “Because!”, then will push the cork : “HA!”. That’s all. After lunch, in the stairs, she’d add : “You had it coming!”. Ohhhh!

Well, you sometimes have to find your mate!

Thanks for reading! Bonne journée!

When you friends are so close that you organize arguments for pleasure #INTJ

There are as many types of friendship as friends in the world. You party together, or you are a group of friends, a tribe, you are venting friends, or friends with a political cause, etc…

When you’re both thinkers and talkers, your playground is made of concepts, ideas, directions and possibilities, etc. Bonjour INTJ s !

After this world of words you have the possibility to make them real and work for good, or not – because the world of ideas is a treasure island, of course (and you feel comfortable home, right?). If you don’t USE the ideas now, they can feed you for days, months or years. Later. Plus tard. Mais oui !

Tool :

Sometimes so are so close that you organize arguments for pleasure. Just for the fun of it, just for the bliss of energy, fighting, breaking mindsets, happy disturbance.

I know a teacher who did this with his best friends in front of adult students, just to make the class more interesting!

You can do that with your friend, a colleague, a spouse, anybody who’s clever enough to play.

You need of course to both KNOW that it’s a game. And you have to watch closely to what happens within the flow : sometimes it could happen that you really hurt your friends. We have all some nerves which shouldn’t be touched. Your friend know them, but not necessarily all of them, right?

Most of the time, it will work, though. It’s delightful, and rare. Your bond is stronger each time. And if you had an audience, good to them, thumbs up and all.

Peace! Thanks for reading!

Instagram : vitolx

Préciosité – a French #Language mess

Who were Les Précieuses? A few ladies in some salons, in the 17th Century, under the reign of Louis XIV, king of France.

What is it all about? A very affected way of using words, with some quirky metaphors and periphrasis, banishment of “bad words”, a strong will to be original and precious. An overstatement of elegance and exquisiteness…

Of course it sounded pretentious (Molière satirized the Précieuses in his play Les Précieuses ridicules.), but it’s funny to watch it today. And it can be tool to work with.

Examples : 

• A hand : “moving beauty”
• Teeth : “mouth furniture”
• Of course the eyes became “the mirrors of the soul”

There’s a French Dictionary of preciousity here : http://www.miscellanees.com/s/somaize.htm

Consequences :

Some idioms, in France, come from this period. We say “un billet doux” (“a sweet note”) for a love letter, and “perdre son sérieux” (“to lose one’s seriousness”) when you begin to laugh!

Dial :

What are the territories, today, which will maybe considered as “Précieuse” in the future?

Tool :

It can be a very little but useful tool in a brainstorming session. Stop everything. Gather what you already got, and make it Précieuse.

A common sense says that “less is beautiful”. So what if “more is beautiful… in another way”?

What can you MAKE précieuse? Words, of course. Design? Objects? Art? Poetry?

Thanks for reading!

Instagram : ___bodylanguage___

“More of the Same Thing”, when insisting is a failure #Watzlawick #Change

More of the same thing is what I call a “wrong tool”. It means : INSIST. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes it’s stupid. Push push and push in a dead end. Seems easy, but we all do the same mistake.

The pattern is simple :

You have a problem. You think you have the solution. You act. It fails. So you think you have to insist, push, go stronger, “more of the same thing”. you fail.

The problem is “you think into the box”, and you are SURE you have the solution, and that if you insist enough, you will get it. And it’s wrong!

It’s an old classic, told by Palo Alto therapy searchers and Paul Watzlawick. If you want to save your couple, if you want to help someone, if you want to flirt, if you want to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk : STOP. The solution? It’s at the end of this article!

The book? Paul Watzlawick : Change. Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution.

The author gives an example (which I translated rapidly) :

A teacher in a class has a single kid “with problems”. She asks to meet the parents and learns that he has huge issues, comes from a broken family and is very lonely all the time. So she tries her best to take care of him and give the boy much more interest; but the solution is worse : his notes crash, he is more alone. She insists and it goes into a dead end. The therapist says that “the more of the same thing” she does, the worse it’ll go (what she does isolates the boy from the other kids, for example). She’s asked to ignore him. Only to compliment him if the notes are good. And it worked!

If a wife asks her husband to talk more to her, spontaneously, about his days or thoughts, he will tell little things as an effort, but he will feel more and more closed, which will… make the wife to be more focused on him, waiting, and “more of the same thing”, arguing continuously about why he doesn’t talk to her enough, which will embarrass him more and more, etc.

Chögyam Trungpa, who was a Buddhist Meditation Master, says that if someone answer “No” when you want to talk with him, you just have to disappear. If you don’t, if you insist, you just transform yourself into a nagging (oh, a new word!) Demon. He’s so right!

Of course you know the story of the bunch of guys flirting everyday with the beautiful lady in a bar, with no success. Only one guy understands the problem (“More of the same thing”). He just sits in the bar, no interest, showing his back to her. And paying her the most neutral way every night. And guess what? He become the only one who gets her interest…

The tool is also a dial :

It’s hard to detect when you insist “more of the same thing” stupidly, because you are SURE you’re about to succeed. Don’t be a demon. And think out of the box. Buy the book, by the way, it’s very good.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

Bicycle Renting & Wheels Encounters

Yesterday I learned a new English word : “rad”. I’m trying to place it somewhere, but it’s hard. What (or who is) “rad”, these days?

Lille is a city in the North of France. We have a bicycle renting package here, and you find stations with a few dozens bikes a little everywhere in the city. You just pay a few Euros a year and you can pick up a bike whenever you want. They called it “V’Lille”, how smart.

You just have to push a card on a screen, type a 4 digits code. Then you choose your machine, you ride it, you bring up the right pedal and you go girl!

Each time I just need a few rolls to “analyse” my new encounter. Because each bike has its own personality, right?

• Some are just noisy, they squeak and they grate. Faster you go, faster it squeaks. Skouic skouic -> skouicskouicskouicskouic.
• Some are jammed on one brake, so you have to pedal harder. That’s life, boy! Pedal. Exercise is good for health. Pff pff pff (it’s your breath).
• Some are just broken. Or the chain is out of it. You put it back and pick another one. The tacit code is to reverse the seat and put it to the downest (yess I know it’s not English but you got me).
• Some bikes are just slightly twisted. The wheel and the handlebars are not in the same direction. Just a little, but it’s enough to bike weirdodidily. Your brain is like “more focused”. Your eyes are wide opened mangalike because… just because.
• Sometimes the seat is just wrongly tilted. Towards the head and you’re afraid to fall on the bar, ouchy (ayeu). Towards the tail and you look like a pedalling tortoise under caffeine.

Isn’t this a good metaphor for people? You meet someone (at work, for example) and you immediatly begin to listen to their words, the way they talk, the way they move or look around. Dials everywhere in your head. And then, you have to adapt. Some persons are slow, slightly twisted, broken, etc… We just have to deal with this.

Sometimes, though, you find a good bike. Yeyyyy! A rad one! You would like to add a little sign on them. Biking, then, c’est délicieux, vraiment délightful. You don’t wanna give it back! Evidently; ’cause a good bike is hard to find. I’d go anywhere with this one. Can I keep it, mister mayor?

 

THINK ABOUT YOUR ART, or how to kill your “I know my job” pinned mindsets

I once knew a teacher who amazed me because she was constantly thinking about her Art, inventing new ways to progress, debriefing almost each day.

Of course I know the tale : Never ask a millipede to explain how he manages to get anywhere. He will tie himself in knots!

In fact, I think that most experienced people do not “think” that much about what they do and how they do it. They do their job! It’s how some teachers teach : “I know my job!”.

Unless you work in an area who needs to be really creative (architects, musicians, decorators), there’s a danger once you are “skilled”, once you finished your student’s life. Danger is : mindsets. “I know my job!”. WHY : because you stop learning!

What I remind from these conversations is a phrase she heard constantly from colleagues : “It’s not possible”. Kids this age CAN NOT read. Well, they can…

Well, that’s common sense, right? If you think “It’s not possible”, it probably won’t be!

Tool 1 : Think about your Art.

In your job, what do you do like a machine? Play the game of debriefing, for once. Ask a friend to help you think. Talk. Learn. One Eno’s Oblique Strategies suggests : “Explain it to your parents”. Detect and discover your mindsets. Some are good, useful. Some not.

Tool 2 : You’re now the helper. If you’re a manager, how will you see the little and big fixed/pinned ideas in your team, the “I know my job!”s? The “This is the way we do it”? Yey, change causes resistance to change. But that’s another article !

Thanks for reading!

 

“Be Spontaneous, please” (Can you see my mask?)

“I’m taking a picture of you. Please smile. Nooo not like that! A big, natural, spontaneous smile”.

Everyone understands this example, right? When someone asks you to act… spontaneously, you’re stuck in an awkward grey nauseous mood. It’s called “the be spontaneous paradox”. It can happen anywhere, in a couple, a family, at work : one person requests something that can only be given spontaneously – love, interest, appreciation, desire, tenderness… You’re now stuck in a Double Bind.

Here’s a good dialog from the 2006 movie “The Break-Up” :

• I busted my ass all day cleaning this house and then cooking that meal! And I worked today. It would be nice if you said “thank you” and helped me with the dishes.
• Fine. I’ll help you do the damn dishes.
• That’s not what I want.
• You just said that you want me to help you do the dishes!
• I want you to want to do the dishes.
• Why would I want to do dishes?
• Why? See, that’s my whole point.
• Let me see if I’m following this, okay? Are you telling me that you’re upset
  because I don’t have a strong desire to clean dishes?
• No. I’m upset because you don’t have a strong desire to offer to do the dishes.
• I just did.
• After I asked you!

MMMmhh?

Imagine a club, a private club with big mellow armchairs. The boss enters the room and solemnly criticize the atmosphere, and then asks everyone to be a little more gay and happy, “a few more laughs would be perfect!” – Imagine the disaster!… (I saw this one day from a web forum administrator. I tried to explain him, but without any effect).

Tool 1 : Learn how to detect when someone asks you to “act spontaneously”. And beware of this when it’s meant but unsaid, perversely implicit : it’s worse ! Your answer can be multiple.

• If you try, you just have to put a mask. But it’s not you, it’s theater. Maybe you will have to wear it!
• You can just say no, of course.
• Go meta-communication : talk about this, explain the paradox and that you will not stay stuck into this.

Tool 2 : Do you do it? Putting other people into these “Please change and act spontaneously like this and like that“? If you did, can you detect the desperate unease and awkwardness you put in the other’s brain? Can you see the mask?

I will always remember this example I got from Watzlawick, a father punishing his kid telling him “Go to your room, and come back when you smile”. Horror!

 

Shup the YOUYOU Horn – main tool of #nonviolentcommunication

You probably heard about Nonviolent Communication. It’s very useful and, if I was the president, I would make a law to teach this at school ! You’ll find dozens of books about this, and you should buy one.

Jacques Salomé is a French author (I recommend “If Only I’d Listen to Myself”, it’s his best book and it’s probably the only one translated in English) who says that when we argue (with colleagues, with your parents, with your wife), you bomb the other with definitions :

• You are so lazy!
• You never loved me!
• You are like your mother!
• You always forget your socks everywhere in the house!
• You are such a liar!
• You You You!

See? In an argument, we say “You”, we define each other. Of course, this is mean, violent, useless and stupid. It’s “sticking words to a person”, so what?

Salomé call it “La Communication Klaxon” (because in French You is Tu, tututuuuu, like a horn). Stop youyouing the other ones. Use this :

Tool :

It’s simple. Say “I” instead of “You”. Talk about your own feelings, and tell why you’re hurt, learn how to argue with elegance, be constructive and helpful. It’s a matter of kindness and benevolence. That’s all. And that’s a good key!

Love. Thanks for reading!

“Quirky Churning”, The Happy Fisherman Tale, or how I really got new words #ESL

Learning English is a pleasure I can’t really describe… but some people in America, (learning French) understand me because they feel the same BIG INNER SMILE when they make further progress. Why, et pourquoi? Je ne sais pas… It’s like feeling your own brain growing like a little tree!

In my about file I wrote :

OK I’m french. My english is a frenglish, it’s rusty and wobbly, et voilà. Try me, though. I’ll do my best. I promise. If sometimes it’s too bad, just laugh at me or roll you eyes.

And of course I make mistakes! For example, I find really hard to remember that you don’t put a space between a word and “!” and “?”. In France we do ! Sorry : we do!

How can I get more words, vocabulary or idioms, out of learning stupid lists?

The more effective way has been to read a book in english, underlining all the things I don’t get (words, but also “in context complexities” or phrases constructions), and then ask to a native speaker.

In a conversation, you can ask “when and where” a word is used (rarely? daily?). It’s the way I heard about this word, “quirky” (original, bizarre, excentrique, et aussi sans doute farfelu). Each time I get one, I’m like a happy fisherman, thankful. Merci!

When you text with a native speaker, you sometimes meet a strange word, a never seen word, it’s like meeting a little trinket in a King Cake!

Yesterday I heard about a “churning brain” for the very first time in my life! I didn’t ask, this time, but I checked on the Reverso app.

The old pyramid of “how do we learn” (Google image it) is pretty accurate here.

Meeting native speakers learning French taught me another thing :

When you have to explain a word and a way you use it, you enrich yourself, you climb too!

PS : A higher level is to watch a movie without subtitles. It goes fast and my brain overheats, like “running after the meanings and getting it but stop you go too fast silly!”. Haha. Not for two hours. Or with the English subs, thanks.

Merci ! Bonne journée ! Thanks for reading!

Dance of the Seeds Providers

Seeds for the mind are the little ideas from which you can grow an entire tree (then a forest, thank you dear). Most of the time, we have our own little box of seeds, or we can grab one or two, sometimes, in a magazine, in a book, in a movie.

But how delicious are the seeds provided deliberately by a friend. Imagine you’re stuck on a work, an article, a musical piece, a drawing. This person begins to ask you about this and that. If he (or she, let’s say she’s a she) is smart, she will dig with you, helping you to find the flaws, the lacking elements, the “it’s too much here”. Patterning.

One can also drop one seed. This external element can wait for a long time (or not), then it grows. It grows well and efficiently because this person is a friend, and knows you. She has this smile. She knows…

There are many ways of giving seeds. It can be very simple, like offering three words to someone who wants to write a short story. Or three pictures ? It can be the muse thing. The way you are or work as inspiration. A field for seeds !

How could I explain the bliss when you have someone in front of you who’s there for that, with a little box of new seeds in his pocket ? “Want one ? What kind ? Why ? Tell me…”

Tool is about this in both directions :

• Do you NEED a seed ? Who will you ask ? Do you have this kind of friend ?
• Can you OFFER a seed ? Who needs it ? Are you able to do this ?

 

 

Recess Time : “I don’t talk to you anymore everrrrr”

It’s recess time. Kids are running screaming everywhere. And there’s an argument, under a tree : “You betrayed me I don’t trust you anymore ever I will tell it to my mum you are very mean and I won’t talk to you anymore everrrr”. Drama.

Imagine now some more adults word in the kids mouths now : “OK, we have a problem, friend. You broke my trust, do you realize that ? Let’s talk : how do we get out of this problem? Why did you do that? What happened in your mind, silly? Is it because I didn’t want you to talk to me anymore?”.

Then, you could see the two kids talking quietly while they walk…

I heard many times about whole families on Facebook fighting about parenting or politics or a wrong picture posted on a wall. Everybody is bitter and block everyone. I heard many times about someone who decides to “I don’t talk to you anymore ever” to his own parents. Each time I’m like : Maybe you could try a letter a year? Maybe just to check if it’s not a misunderstanding? Maybe to check if the angriness has vanished into memories? Evolving towards the light? A letter to forgive, or ask for forgiveness? Oh there’s a good word, here : Diplomacy.

Lever :

In case of problem, wrong moves and misunderstanding, do you chopblock people, or do you, on the contrary, increase the level of dialog and try to understand, grow up, and climb a few stair-steps together ? Are you a shark (attack), a carp (fear), or a dolphin (elegance)?

Tool :

Do you need an enemy to regroup and feel safe? Maybe you do.

Heyyy! This is another article!

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Why I talk to my exes

One day I found an interesting key in the diary of a French writer called Claude Roy. Something tricky which put a smile on my face, a bit like :

Try to choose someone you will love when you don’t love him/her anymore

You can interpret this in many ways, of course. One can be the sense of marriage, and how to find your second wind after a long time together (finding you “second love”).

The other one is the subject of this little article. It begins with a question :

Do you need to be friend with your lover ?

I think it depends on personalities. I do. I’m not attracted, really, to a woman I’m not friend with. I need to weave words and a bond before I can love someone ! That’s not original, right ?

So I am always surprised to see broken couples becoming enemies. Love is broken, good. Where’s the friendship, then ?

Of couuuurse everybody will say the contrary. “Don’t talk to your ex !”. Google this and have fun : “Ex Girlfriend Quotes”. Drama Drama !

I do talk to my exes, almost everyone of them. Why ? Because they ARE good persons ! An interesting mind stays  interesting and passionnante, even out of your bed !…

I don’t see why, after a break up, somebody would become somebody else… “I don’t love you anymore, good : let’s talk”.

Exes are the best friends, because the seduction process is behind you both. You have a new life, and what’s left is the most delicious bond of friendship. After all, maybe this bliss was the whole purpose of your meeting ?

 

c’est d’aimer de préférence qui on aimera toujours lorsqu’on ne l’aimera plus

“I miss something, but… I don’t know what it is…”

“I miss something, but… I don’t know what it is…”

I think you feel something in the deepest of your chest when you read this phrase. Right ? If you don’t, you can go watch your Christmas tree or go to the gym, you’re good.

The Abandonment Syndrome is in almost everyone of us. You don’t have to be an orphan, being abused, or to have alcoholic parents to suffer this pain ! for this incompleteness, It’s a matter of shades, though…

Mistrust, sabotage behaviors, need of control, excessive moods, etc, and this “hole” you have in your heart, sometimes.

“Quelque chose me manque, mais je ne sais pas quoi…”

Yes, it’s a matter of shades (degrees, levels, what should I say ?). It can be a very little feeling of loneliness if you can’t share your enthusiasm after a great (French) movie, to a dangerous nervous breakdown leading you to suicide or hospital.

I realised a bit late in my life that the biggest joy and happiness were brought to me when I found a mate with whom I could SHARE (which is the key of all this, for myself) things, ideas, glee and jubilation.

This became clearly a flaw. I filled my abandonment with sharing, sharing, sharing. So much that I could fall in love with a brain “made of the same wood” (and it became like an orgy of sparkling ideas each time I talked with this person). When this person is away, you feel like a lonely fool, with all your sharing stuff bouncing in your head, cf this Inner Gold article.

Levers :

Growing as an adult, I found out there are two ways to deal with abandonment, incompleteness.

1/ Never surrender. Find your mates. Share. Be happy. Life is short. Cherish them. It can be from a distant Facebook friend you will never meet to the biggest love of your life, the person you would marry. Yes it’s a hunt. Yes it’s a terrific source of bliss !

2/ Surrender. Know the irony of life. Recognize the pain you have in your heart. Know it. Dance with it. You’re alone, you’re alone forever. Play as if you were happy. Be happy. Be alone happy, even if you’re in family. This loneliness can be tamed.

You know how I know that ? I watched older people around me. The intelligent, the sparkling ones. They explore the world and its culture, Art, they dig, deeply, they love it ! They don’t need to share. They are all alone. They like it like that. Some of them told me the secret : the hole and the pain, it’s here. They learned how to not care, and not let things get to them.

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