“Write a book!” & fiddlesticks answers

We all know someone who has new ideas AND who is great in thinking & expressing them. Thus we harass her/him this way : “Write a book!“.

More, these thinkers are exhausting, because along the conversations you have with them, you realize (and they too – pardon my French) that they have not one book but two or three books ready in their stubborn head.

But it’s worse, because life is life, people around are not very supportive, one run out of gas, one is empty, tired, parked or/and forgotten. Therefore no writing and no books – even if you whisper “Fiddlesticks!” to their busy bee ear, bzz bzz…

I just discovered “Fiddlesticks” (I suppose it sounds vintage and probably southern, right?) and I like it so much I’ll put it everywhere in this blog for a few days, sorryyy…

– Fiddlesticks!

 

What is worse indeed?

• The person who really deadly WANTS to write a book and never writes it?
• The person who writes a book, which is published and nobody buys it?
• The person who has success with a published book – which is crap?
• Or a thinker full of ideas and visions, who verbalizes them when you’re present, and writes nothing, and will die with the whole package?

 

Endearing, but “people should come to their own realizations”…

When do you begin?

 

Have a nice day!

“The beginning of all changes, the first step, consists in putting an end to a false activity” Zizek

The beginning of all changes, the first step, consists in putting an end to a false activity

S. Zizek

I like this quote (I did my best for the translation), because it shows what could be “another window”. Every book, every wise person, every self help quote will say : Do the first step, or don’t talk -> act, or dare, or move out of your comfort zone, etc… This one is like a… smart preamble.

Therefore it’s a little tool for us. Each time we know we have to move forward, maybe we have to think about it.

What is a false activity? Are we lured? Who judges that? How can I know? Instinct or Reason? How will we stop it? Is it the condition for a start? What if this activity was important?

Where to apply this tool? Job? Couple? Life? Hobby? Sports? Creativity?

How, then, will the “change” expected by Zizek unfold? Taking the place of the false activity? Growing from it? Seeing things which where hidden by its falsity?

What else?

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : rsa_dark

From Wrong Promises to Constellations Seeking

Be afraid of your own big statements! They are often linked & enchained to Big Promises. And promises are promises, it’s forbidden to be casual with these, right?

That leads to a funny assessment : what do we do with wrong promises? MMhh, double-bind, right? Whatever I choose, I’m done.

I shouldn’t have promised, because…

• It’s unreachable
• I was drunk
• It was stupid
• I put other people in it
• I changed my mind
• I have new elements
• It’s boring
• It’s a cage
• Haecceity (I’m dancing, I’m alive, I’m changing all the time)
• I forgot life is complex
• I’ve changed
• I held it for long enough
• I lied
• It’s not true to my ideas
• Adaptation
• Someone told me to think
• I got a proposition
• I want to undergrade my promise
• Assuagement
• Fuck it

 

Voilà. Fine. Now what?

Inspiration. Try to stay a creative thinker, find new ideas (and people who think like you), have good conversations around them, peel off clothes (after you’re done with the ideas). Connect to radioactivities. Ask questions. Twinkle. Be a firefly.

Have a nice day!

 

Instagram : teget

 

 

You should hear a French classroom trying to pronounce LE English!

I learned Latin and I hated it. To translate Latin is like to open a clock and take it to pieces. In a minute there’s a mess on your desk, and you want to chuck everything in (which doesn’t help at all). Then, have a beer and watch the sky thinking about the Romans. When in Rome…

I learned German. Pronunciation was fun (ahh the ch sound in “ICH”!), but their sentences are bags of knots with the verb at the end – “I know that Kansas in the USA is” – and words are too crazy for my Frenchiness. Try to say Schlittschuhlaufen (ice-skating) or Streichholzschächtelchen (little box of matches). OK. Bye bye!

 

I began English at 11 years old and I liked it. As kids already, we were training our American accent on recess time, playing indians and cow-boys, with a faked and imaginary drowning nosy duck John Wayne accent. Imagine us in short pants running everywhere like crazy swallow birds, saying in loop “wayne right wayne right way yeah I kill you right okey” in a pinchedy nose tone. Yeahhh.

The first thing we struggled with is the ze. Well : THE. We don’t have this “tongue between teeth” thing here. So, well, ze French often tell ZE, and with consequences : Zat music, Zhere it is, Zis is gonna be hard. EVERYSSING will be!

Then, as we like to say the “R” differently, we struggle with your way of saying it. Strrrrruggle is a good example, by ze way. Romance is pronounced RRrromance here, we had to learn Wwomance (oh, this makes suddenly sense!). We had to get used to it, including the ending R, like in RIVER. Hear this classroom munching “Rivehhhwwwaow“, oui?

The first time I read the word “River” out loud in the class stays a trauma for me. I was 11 and I said “Ryver” (because I knew that “Life” was NOT pronounced “lif” but “life”).

– “Not Ryver, River, Jean-Pascal”.

What ze?????!
Today, what stays difficult for me is : the accentuation in words (what, you say “Word Stress”? Really??). Therefore, I don’t know what to do with PREsent (the gift) and to preSENT (the verb). You’re all crazy, that’s what I say 🙂

Where’s the accent on TELevision? TeleVIsion? Eekkk! OK I can say Tivi.

I had difficulties with words like Flaw of Law (we always pronounced this one “Low” in class) – this is such a strange sound, and I hate to open my mouth like that. For Christ, it seems I’m about to drool, being astonished and to swallow a fly at the same time! The LAAAH.

We said NEW like niouw, and I never would have guessed that American people say Noo York for the city. And if you don’t say the k letter in knife… why is it needed?! Nife would do the thing…

Little by little, I make progress though. I know that English blogging for a French is absurd, in a way, but it is not :

•  French Blogging in English : un Songe
• Patterning Unusual : thus my own casual blogging
• Writing in another language

 

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day. Look : it all ensnowed! :

That on top & Lavender Blues : Chronicle 26

One day I found a lavender sprig, un brin de lavande, in a book of… 1878.

I’m a book sniffer, I’m sorry. People mock me! I open’em and I smell. I have plenty of old books. They have “this” smell. Delicious. When I eBaybuy a pile of old Charlie Brown comics, I open one and hmmm – American seventies…

But one day I opened a 1796 book. It had another smell. VERY different. I was… astonished. Like a “Heyyy wait a second” second in a deeper past…

One day, someone asked him/her why he/she never travelled : “What for? I’m arrived already!”.

Are bored people boring?

 

 

There’s one terrible little pattern to study :

the sudden appearance of a nuisance in the middle of an already tiresome situation

The “That’s all I needed!” state. That on top.

Sarah Bernhardt in 1876 :

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_Bernhardt

There’s a proverb, somewhere, saying :

“To obey an order without carrying it out”

Oh I like it!

Montherlant says that traveling is useful. If draws on the map… places you don’t want to go any more…

Passion

Versus boredom, bored homme, injection : Passion! Bzt!

We can imagine that what enthrals us is linked to a childhood state. If you were turning over rocks in a delightful loneliness as a kid, then as an adult now, you like to be alone at times. You DWON’T need to have the TV on all day long because you’re unable to stay with yourself for more than 10 seconds (the “I need my phone to pee” type).

There are so many types! You love to read, to watch horror movies, to build, to think, to organize, to clean, to take care of people, to hunt, to buy things, to pray, to share, to teach.

Your field is a big pacifier, linked to your childhood. Well, that’s my theory!

If I’m bored, I am as lost as a baby at night in a lonely bedroom : I lost my pacifier. It’s not cool.

Worse : if you’re a bored person, it’s a forever no-pacifier state. Alcohol will NOT do the thing. You can buy fast cars, though, they are cool.

You can also read : 

• Gleaning in loop : the “Gathering Seashells” Type
• Axes, Axis, Axles : “Become who you are”

 

Berg maybe said :

The best magic always results from ecstasies of logic.

Hmm? What do you think?

 

 

Not Doing Something That Nobody Ever Thought of Not Doing It

 

 

 

Thanks for reading! Have a nice day!

 

The sole secret to lose weight

Well we all know that diets don’t work. You lose weight then you get it back very soon.

Or you get bigger.

There’s this “so there” theory that says that your body, being frightened by your diet, is like stocking up some fat, just in case. So there!

You can count calories, make strange decisions (eat only apples, then only eggs, etc). That’s boring. It don’t work.

More : you’ll probably fall into controlling behaviour. Your brain will be obsessed with food (hungriness + “I have to control all”). Borinnng.

 

So I asked a nutritionist. She said there’s only one diet that works.

Eat Half

Really, she said. Don’t change anything in your food habits (your body will hate it, and your mind will screw up). Eat the same. Divide all in two. Half.

Half a slice of bread, half a yoghurt. Half a hamburger. Yeahhhh. Use a dessert plate for everything, everyday. Eat well when you’re in a restaurant or a guest, but for your daily life : half of it. All year long. You’ll get used to it to eat.

Voilà.

PS : Don’t serve twice, silly. And don’t snack. Forbidden. Interdit !

HALF

 

Have a nice sunday!

 

Big Statements & Science of Bullshittery

Big Talkey, Little Doey

We all have a friend, this friend, promising after a drinking night, from a hangovering moody mouth : “I will never drink anymore”.

Yeah yeah yeah…

Hearing “big statements” is sometimes a little embarrassing.

What do you answer to “I never lie”, or “my couple is perfect”, or “I will love him forever”? Nothing : you just… nod in agreement, right?

 

What does it mean? What does it say? What does it show? 

The Science of Bullshittery should be written!

You have to study the bigstatementers, but also their audience.

“I stop smoking tomorrow” leaves the audience in a skeptical mood. “I’m writing a novel” goes the same – writers rarely say to anyone who would listen that they’re writing a book. They just write…

Sadder : when someone says : “I live a happy life”. You’re like “Oh, come on… Why would one NEED to proclaim that?”. We all know that we all struggle at times, and that we are happy sometimes, too. There’s no need for bigstatementery here, unless you…

 

Thus, hearing Big Statements invites you to think. Maybe you have to do as if you were believing them. Maybe you should show empathy and ask for subtleties. Maybe just say : “Let’s talk about it”. Being sarcastic doesn’t help. It rarely does.

In A Matter of Lever, two years ago, I quoted J. L. Borges (well, I tried to English translate it), who summarizes all of it this way :

 

Not the simplicity, which is senseless, but secret and modest complexity

 

Well, that’s it!

Oh. Efff. Isn’t it a Big Statement? Awweeee…

Have a nice day!

 

Instagram : _bodylanguage_

 

 

 

BooksTeaCat, SportsBeerDog & their Social Interactions Necessities – #INTJ

ONE

Introverts. We’re all a tribe.

There are labels we tend to like to read about us. INTJ, Empaths, Introverts, Thinkers…

We read memes about us with a smile.

Responsibilities and social interactions needs cursors at the minimum : we prefer to think alone, in front of beautiful nature, or with our saint trilogy (a book a tea a cat), under a blanket, watching the rain by the window. We love conversations… one to one.

TWO

And then, the other side. Extroverts, Go-ahead people, Fast people, Managers, people who like groups, parties, responsibilities, goals, etc…

THREE

When an introvert is bored, it’s sort of OK. She (I call her a she in this article, OK?) dreams, she opens a book, goes for a walk – or opens a bottle of French wine before writing a poem.

When an extrovert is bored, he’s (I call him a he, OK?) depressed. Something’s wrong. Routine is not OK at all. He becomes grey, and looks for “things to do” – which are often displacing his body (hunting, running, biking, driving, whatever) or finding goals (or anything that can bring a sense of success).

FOUR

But in the end, we all need social interactions. All this is pretty well told by the Hedgehog’s Dilemma :

The hedgehog’s dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is a metaphor about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs seek to move close to one another to share heat during cold weather. They must remain apart, however, as they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp spines. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur, for reasons they cannot avoid.

The hedgehog’s dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. The hedgehog’s dilemma is used to explain introversion and isolationism.

(Wikipedia)

FIVE

A new job, a project, a success. We met new people, we’ve been in groups, yeyyy!

The Extrovert got oxygen. He feels happy, and alive. Grey’s gone, he’s like a clean engine in the sun! He goes running with his dog! He smiles back and his wife is proud.

The Introvert got oxygen too. She feels happy… to be back home. She has new ideas of musics and books, seeds for conversations. Look at her, now : she’s reading, petting her cat’s head. Both are purring…

Her husband cuddles her, smiling, or… runs with the dogs. Depends of the type!

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : alessandramannelli

 

 

 

#Management : Why the HECK would you want to have an homogeneous team??

Management is funny to study. You’ll find shelves of books to read about that in every good bookstore. So it stays a mystery why we note so many stupid ideas in all hierarchies…

One of the great GREATEST Stupid Idea EVER is the will, from a manager, to have an homogeneous team.

All teachers in the world know that kids have different kinds of intelligence. Some are visual, others need words, etc. It’s the SAME for adults, silly!

You are a manager. You have a team. NOBODY is like the other one. Some are fast, but muddled, others are slow and precise. Some like to talk, others to think, some are one-task, others are multi. Some guys know how to sell, others are great organizers. Some are clumsy but clever, other are dexterous but dumb as dead maggots.

Let people be who they are! USE who they are. Encourage them! They’re good! The LAST thing you should ask people is to follow the same dumb goal. We’re all different, and if you ask people to be the same and get the same objective, you’re just a fool.

Nevertheless, it’s something you’ll see for more centuries. Managers’ stupidity is bottomless. C’est la life, dear. Just facepalm, there’s nothing much more to do here.

Thanks for reading!

 

 

“Perhaps the most devastating and damaging thing that can happen to someone is to fail to fulfill his potential” – E. T. Hall

“Perhaps the most devastating and damaging thing that can happen to someone is to fail to fulfill his potential. A kind of gnawing emptiness, longing, frustration, and displaced anger overwhelms people when this occurs. Whether the anger is turned inward on the self, or outward towards others, dreadful destruction results.”

Edward T. Hall

Instagram : sigridagren

 

Dexterous Swinging Between Two Properties

…du balancement adroit de ces deux propriétés…
…of the dexterous swinging between these two properties…

I found this great tool, this “pattern” in a Paul Valéry‘s notebook. He was a poet and a philosopher and was, here, thinking about the process of consciousness.

(I won’t translate it here, but let’s say he talks about the swinging between consciousness and unconsciousness, the first one as an engine to drive the production of the other one).

If you’re a psychoanalyst, it’s interesting, you’ll try to link this with Freud’s theories, etc. But with my cheap structuralist mind, I operate on it – to extract its minitool :

dexterous swinging between these two properties

Swinging means you go from one thing to the other one, and vice-versa. Dexterous means you know your doubletool, you are a pilot of it. You just have to find the field where to use this.

• Reason and Instinct?
• Skills and Attempts?
• Talking and Listening?
• Passion and Casualness?
• Fast and Slow?
• Following orders (or rules) and Following your mind?
• Control and Let go?
• Fight and Flee?

 

Find other examples. You have now your two “aspects”.

Then think about a “dexterous swinging” between the two.

Then, apply your wooden tool to your field : photographer, poet, soldier, writer, blogger, designer, architect, gardener, who knows… What do you find?

You are GOOD in playing your TWO FACETS. What does that mean? How do you play that? Can you teach it? How do you think it? Can you apply your method to other fields?

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : ashleymcky

 

“Help yourself, the sky will help you” – and cats and ducks

“Heaven helps those who help themselves”.

In French it’s not heaven, but… the sky. It will help you. Aide-toi, le ciel t’aidera.

I find it interesting that you use “heaven” in English, instead of God himself. “Heaven helps those who help themselves”. Does that mean that people understand that they can NOT ask God himself to help them (find a place for your car, pass your exam, change your life)? Yep : He has probably other and bigger fish to fry.

In French, we would say “Il a d’autres chats à fouetter” : “He has other cats to whip”.

Really? Yes really.

So… Help yourself, the sky will help you.

Nevertheless :

It seems to be a good advice (even if there’s no God or Heaven or Sky to “help” you). This invitation to act (with an implicit “Instead of complaining”) sounds a little like :

“Move your ass, silly, and maybe you’ll get something”. Okey!

This decision process is a funny thing to study. “To begin, begin”, said the wise man. But how? First, your have to find your goal, right? Then…

1. Action, go go go, push, push towards your goal, drive your way towards it.
2. Observe what’s around, find where the flow flows, rotate little things to facilitate flows… towards the goal. The flow. Where it goes. That’s important!

I already wrote something about 2 : The Propensity of Things.

Who says “Help yourself”? Your mother? Your friend? Why? Do they want to help you really? Are they angry of your laziness? What can happen? Where’s YOUR flow? Did you consider it? Or do you constantly work against it?

What’s the worse that could happen? You help yourself, you move, you change things, you try, you… fail?

Well, not THAT a big deal, right? “Y a pas d’quoi casser trois pattes à un canard” is the French way to say “Nothing to write home about” :

That doesn’t break three legs to a duck

Mmhh, makes sense?

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Zodiac : lazinesses or challenges?

This is just a microthing about Astrology. If you think Astrology is nonsensical, you should not read that, it could bore you a lot, et j’en serais fort désolé…

We all have our ways to consider Zodiac. From 0 to 100, you believe in this or not. This is not my point here. It’s just about this question :

You were born one day, therefore you’re a Cancer, a Virgo or a Capricorn, etc. What do you do with this? How do you use it?

1. Do you use it in sorry statements, to be lazy, like “I’m a Taurus I’m slow, you know…”?
2. Do you use it to feel challenged, knowing your strengths and weaknesses, to become a better person?

I talked longly one day with a person who knew this field pretty well, who told me about people’s “Birth Charts”, with this smiling sparkle in her eye : some people with perfect harmonious charts were having terrible or failing lives, and some others with… complicated charts were living an interesting, challenging life.

Naaah you can have fun and say this is a good proof that all this is bouleshit for bored ladies. This is not kind! Stop that, I’m blogging! 🙂

In a way, who cares, after all : my pleasure here is to go back to the questions and the 1/2 pattern I am asking after them…

Dials : What, in our days, could be our Big Statement Bouleshit Mistakes? When do we say “I’m like that and I can’t change”? Why? What if we began to play “Unpinning Mindsets”? What if… sometimes… we needed to stop saying “I don’t do that, ever”?

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : bodylanguage

“Become who you are”, is it what Pindar said?

A kid is watching a sculptor working. Days after, he comes back and is in a awe in front of the completed statue, asking to the artist : “How did you know there was a man into it??”.

Pindar was a Greek poet (he died in 443 BC). I don’t know his work BUT I always meet his silhouette, his tone, his quotes, in texts from authors I like  – this pattern, indeed, could become an article one day…

Today I met Pindar in a dictionary about Nietzsche, who wrote to Lou Andreas Salomé : “Become who you are”.

Pfff…

This really sounded like a stupid smart ass self-help quote, almost written in capitals before an ugly sunset above a road (symbol!) cutting a field in two, eeek!

But if Nietzsche studied Pindar, well…

What did Pindar say, really? Wikipedia proposes these :

• Become such as you are, having learned what that is
• Be what you know you are
• Be true to thyself now that thou hast learnt what manner of man thou art
• Having learned, become who you are

Ohlalalaaaa!

In my French book and on the web, I found :

• May you become who you are by learning
• Be as you learned to know you
• Become what you are by learning who you are

These are 6 different ways to translate Pindar! The pack just threw a fistful of seeds on your table. And I prefer the last one already…

Man could study diaries and interviews of thinkers, or great artists and writers, trying to find what they said about this idea of “becoming themselves”. It could sound… mundane, but I think it could be interesting. For example, many artists say at the end of their life that “Less is More”, right? What other pattern do we often find?

It’s a strange idea, right? As if, like a sculptor with a big block of wood, we were all spending our lives trying to find what man or woman was hidden in the block, already here…

Is it only “by learning who you are”? How so? What do we win when we do that? Are we stronger, smarter? What’s the horror in not becoming the real one? What if we were mistaken all along? Working in a bad manner? What happens when you discover it in the middle of your life? What if we had “many” us to discover? Facets? Is it some work really to discover and become who we are, or are we, like some, the prey of destiny, accidents and betrayals?

Here I ask my readers : what do you think about this idea, which seems mundane and worldly-wise at the same time? For you, is it an empty concept or a good seed for thinkers?

Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pressure & Sabotage, a cessation process

Family. Three kids. Pressure inexplicably put on the eldest boy, who is labelled “brilliant”. “He will become a doctor”, as they proudly say. In the middle of his curriculum, he has a motorbike accident. Or develops an invalidating disease, like sclerosis. As he was not strong enough to say “No” to this pressure, he found another way to stop.

It probably sounds “too easy”, and the accident was just maybe random, but I heard that kind of story so many times that it became really fascinating. So for me it became a dial gauge to watch :

When too much pressure, watch for the accident life will invent to cease it

Pressure can be provided by family or spouse, by the situation, or by… people themselves. When people work too much, sometimes their friends begin to say : “Hey, you’re pushing too far, slow it down, pal!”. In general, they don’t stop. And then you see what life will choose to make them stop.

They suddenly fall apart, have an accident, they become sick. Life brakes for them. From time to time, it’s not even enough! They insist, they don’t understand, they move forward, so they fall more sick or they curiously get hit by a car saying : STOP, for Christ’s sake!

You, my reader, are a reasonable person, but you know… that when you’re VERY upset, light bulbs often explode when you switch on the light. PAF! It not truuuue, it’s impossible, but… it happens all the time, though.

The same way, I saw many times the house stopping people. Too much pressure, too much stress, and there’s a huge leak in the bathroom, a falling chimney, or a fire. The environment is acting silly.

Nooo, can’t be. Right?

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : leahminium

From Quarrel to Joust : Elevation process

When your couple needs to fight, you argue. You can stay at reptilian or prehistoric levels : you scream, play flying plates & slamming doors, scream louder, or you can try to move the cursor up.

If your quarrelsome mood – oh what a great word! – needs to unfold, there’s are some wrong ways up like becoming sarcastic or using bad faith, stupidity or violent communication (one define the other : “You’re like your mother”, “You’re lazy”), silence icy treatment or using poor innocent third parties (the kids?).

I propose to rise from these low levels of arguing. Of course you can use Reason. If you know Transactional Analysis you can begin to dissect your communication and try to put it on “Adult -> Adult” mode. That’s OK! Think. Or ask a intermediary (not your mother-in-law!) to play the diplomatic card.

My purpose here is to imagine another “Right Way Up” : Jousting. It’s a change of mood. You fight… with a smile for the other. It’s a sparkling competition. Emulation is the key. It can become a game. You can really invent rules like : “You can’t speak until you waited two minutes in silence after I did, I’ll do the same”, or “Argue on both sides of a table… with pen & paper” (find your own rules).

Jousting is a clever way to quarrel. It’s like when you play chess with a friend, emulation is the key. You want victory but you help your opponent to climb too.”Right Path Up”. Finding solutions… and at the same time satisfy your need to fight. Joust!

 

Of course if you read my blog you know that there’s a pattern here, a tool for other situations : Elevation. When and where (and how) do you realize that you’re on a low level? Gaiety? Entertainment? Sex? When you’re in a useful place but you should maybe stop, think and push a lever. Which lever is it? Subtlety. Right?

This pattern is described here : https://afrenchtoolbox.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/a-matter-of-levers/

Thanks for reading!

 

Instagram : such_a_pretty_crazy

A Way of Being in a Hole : Inventing Dawn

There are many ways to deal with depression, darkness, and feeling you’re stuck in a hole. You can cry alone, find someone who can help, you can complain, you can stay silent, you can think, you can fight to find your light, you can try to invent sparkles, you can be sarcastic, or become crazy, you can feel hope, or despair, you can wait, you can kill yourself.

Or you can invent your dawn.

Well, yes, it’s a feeling, or a decision, I don’t know. You’re in your dark hole like a forgotten filthy dog. Maybe you receive (or invent) your calling – it’s time. Maybe you just decide to move not your ass but your spirit.

You clean your sky from old squeaky moral rules, from guilt. You clean the pessimism. You want to increase your knowledge like a minstrel, a knight, a free spirit. Your refusal is joyful. You can almost guess and feel some new delights.

Rebirth. Convalescence. Regeneracy. Transition. A smell of new territories and above all : a new way to explore.

Jump out! You go girl!

Thanks for reading. Have a nice day!

 

 

Counseling for couples : “Please become someone else”

Yes, yes, it’s a mess. It hurts. Toxicity and boredom alert! She wants to find the “second wind” of your marriage, le “second souffle”. “Counseling?”, she says? Your answer is YES. You’d better!

Then you have to “tell your story”, then listen to huge bullshbleep from a “professional”, many times.

Then, home, you try to do “as if” – at least for a few exhausting months. You know your flaws, right? You’ll “work” on them. Be ready. You’re on a mission now.

Let’s make it short :

“Please become someone else”

So here you are, with a list of “things to change” for your wife. “People can evolve!”, she says! You have four choices :

1. You obey. Beck and call. Do that, and this too. Bravo! Your flaws vanished into magic. You will get tears of joy from her eyes, great hashtags on her social medias (#bestmoment #happymarriage), and a little more hanky-twalala-panky, probably. Reward it is.
2. You really do “as if”. It’s about acting, now. It’s impossible to change really, because of course nobody changes, ever, but you can really do “as if”. You want to keep her, right? It’ll last the necessary length of time… until she sees it. Then you’re on you own.
3. You say firmly “no”, and you’re done. Conflict and drama. Hold the wheel, buddy! Maybe find another therapist, later. A better one, OK?
4. You run away and find an easier companion. Breathe. Life is made of dotted lines, after all. Next!
5. Alcohol, accident, heart attack (or other self-sabotage), or any other boring “I go out” : anything DIY in the garage, work-out, biking, duck hunting. Some people even have two bedrooms!

Your choice?

Tools :

This was of course a sarcastic text. There are good professionals. Most of them are good listeners. They take big money to do that and that’s normal. Then, they will probably try to make you understand this : Your spouse won’t change, you have to accept your couple-dynamics.

“But wait, this means I should change myself ? You just said it’s impossible!”

Well : welcome into marriage!

In French we say :

Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop – “Shoo away your nature, it comes back at full tilt”

Well, I think you say “The leopard can’t change its spots”.

Can he?

 

Have a nice day!

<< Please become what I want you to be >>

Hegel’s “Unhappy Consciousness” as a pattern for us all

ONE

People like to talk. They talk about things, or events. They talk about their life. That’s OK.

Only some people like to talk about concepts. If I meet someone who, instead of asking what I had for lunch, asks : “You’re French, do you think you have your own way to be skeptical? How?” – then sits and weaves a good two hours conversation with me about it, I want to keep this friend around me. No : I want to marry her!

TWO

What I do here is totally far-fetched, inappropriate and probably useless for almost all of us. What’s the point? I really don’t know. Maybe I’ll discover it while I write it?

THREE

“Unhappy Consciousness” is a concept from Hegel (Phenomenology of Spirit) – it’s very complicated, so… forget it. I just performed surgery on it to extract the pattern, the structure, the tool which is in it, then I wringunwrap it, just to see.

Hegel says “the Unhappy Consciousness is the consciousness of self as a dual-natured, merely contradictory being” : it can happen when you are in state A, you wish to reach a better state B, but there’s a moment you realize that you’re very far from it.

There’s a big gap (or a rift) between the reachable and the unreachable, the changeable and the unchangeable, and you understand it.

Euphoria meets the swamp of skepticism… You’re stuck. You met contradictions. Powerlessness. Stuck as a stuck.

Unhappy consciousness wishes relief from its misery, but it’s a surrender process which doesn’t work : thus a “perpetually self-engendered disorder”.

You have to let go. You need to take comfort. You have to find how. And you don’t.

This happens in Master-Slave couples, when the slave really tries to be exactly what his master wants him to be. Or more tricky : vice-versa. And it’s of course impossible.

FOUR :

What are other examples? How do you do – since you can not get out of it? What is it not as simple as “acceptance”? Do we have to wait? To find other paths? To admit we were wrong? Is it a selftrap? A spirit vicious circle turning like a hamster in its wheel between euphoria and despair?

FIVE :

Hegel seems to say that there’s a solution, though. It’s not in reason. It’s not in letting go. It’s not in surrender. All the logical solutions, at one point, fail and will fail.

It’s where I like it : Solutions are in the oblique.

It’s to forget some frames. To dare. To be crazy. Killing some rules. Finding the good sense of “idiocy”, the opening doors power of the fool’s wisdom. Stop the “desire to act in a comprehensible fashion”.

How to do that?

I don’t know!! Listen to strange advices? Take the wrong roads? Build on other territories of spirit? Kill your Gods and your certainties? Smell the winds? Jump where you never jumped? What is the Revolution you need?

Where do you apply that? In your couple? In your creativity? Religion? Politics? Where are you stuck in a far-fetched way? Can you feel the energy charging inside the stuckystuck situation?

 

Let Hegel play with our mind now. Amen :

“its enjoyment becomes a feeling of its own unhappiness”

 

Thanks for reading!

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Ladder & Love

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